The Story I Never Wanted To Tell But Need Too. My Name Is Lisa and I’m a……… Part VIII

There are 7 parts ahead of this.  If you haven’t had the chance to read them, here they are: Part I, Part II, Part III, Part IV, Part V, Part VI, and Part VII

Here is another story that is needed to be told. This one is a lot more serious than the last one and I should have spent time in jail for this one.  I am greatly embarrassed that addiction what so strong in my life that I almost threw my life away on one Saturday day.  Let us begin.

Pacing, Sweating, and the Waiting

This is a normal Saturday in my life.  My husband had worked the night before and is upstairs sleeping.  My kids were over at my parent’s house for the night.  And I, well, I was freaking out.  Waiting for that moment when the police show up at my house and arrest me.  Not that I didn’t deserve it.  I so did. I deserve a few nights in the slammer for what I had done.

I don’t want to tell Eric what had done.  He spends his nights working to put people like me in jail.  How was I to tell him that this is what I did?  I think that I was more nervous telling Eric than the police coming.  I was pacing and feeling sick to my stomach.  Any minute now I was going to throw up.  Why did I do this?  Why do I need drugs this bad?

Earlier In The Day

I woke about the same time as normal and was enjoying my coffee and quietness.  I had been thinking of doing this now for a few weeks.  Today was the day.  I needed the medications and what is the worse that would happen?  As I continued thinking about it, it seemed clearer and clearer that it was time to do it.  No time like the present.

I had made up my mind.  I was going to do it. I got dressed and headed out of the house.  The whole time my hands were shaking.  I something in my mind kept telling me to stop.  But I continued forward. I was almost out of my pills and I needed more. Simple as that.

Back at home, I had done it but I needed to go back out.  Now the paranoid feelings started and every noise I would jump. Every car that would turn up our street, I would assume it was the cops.  I didn’t know if they would treat me any different being that I was cop’s wife or would I get the same treatment? I didn’t want to find out.  But I was going to have to tell Eric.  I couldn’t lie to him when the police show up.  He will know then anyways,

Time To Tell The Truth

What was that?  Was that movement upstairs?  It must be Eric and he must be awake. How am I going to tell him what I did?  I can’t.  I need to stay calm and then when the police show up, I’ll tell him everything,  Good, that sounds like a plan.  I’ll just act all normal and he won’t be able to tell what I did.

Eric must have taken 2 steps down the stairs and I broke into tears.  I was crying and shaking.  Eric kept asking me what was wrong, what was upsetting me so bad.  I needed to calm down just a little bit but I tried and couldn’t handle it anymore.  I needed, to tell the truth, but how?

Eric finally said to me to tell him what is going on, it couldn’t be that bad.  I started to laugh and say “that bad?  I’m going to be going to jail for what I did”.  Shocked, Eric didn’t know what to say.  He just sat there till I spoke.  And when I opened my mouth, it all came out, like a rambling river.  I couldn’t stop it and I felt so much better when I finally said it all.  But yet I was sick to my stomach the entire time.  Here is what I said:

“I know that I can go to jail for what I did but I couldn’t help myself.  I need more pills and this was the only way of getting more.  I received an extra copy of a blank prescription pad script and I wrote out my own prescription and took it to Walgreens to get filled.  I dropped it off this morning but I have been too afraid to go back and get it. Oh my God, what have I done”

Finally Said It

And just like that, it was out of my mouth and into the universe. Now that I had said it, it was real.  I had received a written copy of a prescription and when the doctor gave it to me, there was a blank prescription on the back attached to the first one.  Most normal human beings would have thrown it away or handed it back.  But not me, I held on to it for months not sure what to do.  And then this Saturday morning, I woke and felt the need to cash it in.

As I was telling Eric all this, my phone rang and it was Walgreens.  The pharmacy that I took the prescription too.  I couldn’t answer the phone, fearing that they knew that I had written it.  I let it go to voicemail and of course, they left me one.  I listened to the message, hands shaking.  It was the pharmacy calling to let me know that there was something wrong with the prescription and they needed to talk to the doctor’s office on Monday.  If I wanted to pick up the prescription, I could otherwise they will call and let me know when it would be ready on Monday.

I begged Eric to go with me to Walgreens to pick up the prescription.  We did so and as soon as I got home, I burned it.  I did not want anything lying around to remind me what a horrible thing that I did.  I know that the addiction takes over you but I am a better person that. Or so I thought. What would drive me to the brink of insanity to write out my own prescription?  I knew that it was illegal and not only could I get in trouble but so could my husband, being a police officer.

You need to understand that even though I know right from wrong, it doesn’t stop someone when they are under the control of a substance.  Maybe that is an excuse but it true. When suffering from an addiction, your mind becomes all jumbled and you forget what is right and wrong.  You only think about the addiction and what you can do to get your drug of choice.  As you can see in my story, I went as far as breaking the law.  Granted, I knew what I was doing was wrong but that didn’t stop me.  I needed more pills, I wanted more pills.

Today is a better day that it was so long ago.  I am not controlled by the medication like I once was.  I am now in control of my life. It has taken me a long time to get here but being here is better than where I use to be.  If you are suffering from addiction, please get help.  Addiction is something that has a strong hold on you and getting out of it alone is very difficult. The first step is asking for help.  And I will be happy to help anyone of you!

 

 

 

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