First and foremost, I want to thank my family and friends for the support that I have received over the last four years and more. I would also like to thank everyone that has read and commented on my post. I can’t tell you how much it means to me to know that even though I made mistakes, and some big mistakes, I still know that I can count on my love ones to have my back. That being said, let’s continue.
By now most of you know my story. I over-abused pain medications for years and now I am clean and sober for four years. But there is more to my story than just that. And that is the reason I owe people some apologies. So this part is an apology to those I hurt, used, and stole from over the years. Let me explain.
When I became an addict, I never in all my life would think that I would actually get to the lowest point of my life by stealing from those I love. To some people, this might not be that big of a deal but to me, I broke a horrible rule, the eighth commandment. Thou shall not steal. That is a pretty simple rule, black and white. DO NOT STEAL. But I did, not once but many a time.
When you are in the depths of your addiction, you aren’t always thinking clearly. My life had become the pills and that was about all. So when I would begin to think that I was starting to run out, I would do the next best thing and that would be to steal medications from loved ones. It started small and with my mother. You see, my mom had been suffering years and years with migraines and had medications that she would take to help her with the pain. Granted, this wasn’t my “drug of choice” being that it was for migraines and in my eyes, kind of weak. But it worked, so I took them when I would be running low.
Many a time my mother would wonder where her medications would be going. And I in the throes of addiction, I knew how to lie pretty well. Who me? Why would I take your medications when I had my own? And for the sake of my mother and her innocence, she would believe me. Never in her mind would her daughter be an addict and stealing her meds. But to my mother, I can not say how sorry I am and ask for your forgiveness. To this day, I have never come out right and said, I am the one, please forgive me. So in my coward of a way, I ask my mother to please forgive me and know that I never in all my life meant to hurt you.
My addiction made me a person that I never wanted to be. But it’s still the road I had to travel to get where I am today. I am not saying that just by apologizing for this fixes everything. If anything, I couldn’t say I was sorry right in the beginning of my sobriety. It still took me this long to own up to what I did, at least with my family. And there were others too. It started with my mother but no one was off-limits to me when I was in need of just one more pill.
And More To say I’m Sorry
The hold that medication had on me was so overwhelming that my nieces’ or nephew’s cough syrup wasn’t off-limits. And my sister-in-law’s pills that she took when she had her stomach issues. To you, Kala, Brad and Robyn, I apologize from the bottom of my heart to say that I am no that person anymore and I never meant to hurt anyone of you. I am sorry that I took advantage of your trust and took something that wasn’t mine. Please forgive me.
Mostly, I ask for forgiveness from my brothers Jon and Rob. Not only did I take things that weren’t mine, I hurt two of the most important people in my life. Whether or not they knew what I was doing, its time to come clean with my life. I may not remember exactly what I took, or know how much, but I know that I did and for that, I am sorry.
Thoughts are racing through my head right now, praying that I don’t lose those that I love for mistakes that should never have happened. Asking for forgiveness is one of my hardest things I have ever done in my life, besides becoming sober but to be honest, this is worth every word that I am writing. If only I was strong enough to say it to your faces, would this all be worth it? But being that I have to take one step at a time, I can offer up these apologize this way. Maybe in some eyes, I am weak to hide this way but others that know me, know that this is what I need to do and in this way.
One day I’ll be able to say it to your faces but today isn’t one of those days. I find my strength from you all to continue down this road and make this road my permanent journey. This is a journey I have done with the help from you all and to know that without your support, love, and forgiveness, this never would have happened. My journey may not have been that pretty or perfect but it’s been my journey and it has made me who I am. Thank you for the love. Thank you for the support. But most of all thank you for loving me as I go down this journey.