The Story I Never Wanted To Tell But Need Too. Hi My Name is Lisa and I am……. Part X

 

 

This is an ongoing series and if you have missed any of the previous parts, please find them here: Part I, Part II, Part III, Part IV,  Part V, Part VI, Part VII, Part VIII, Part IX.  Thank you for reading my story. Now, let’s continue.

 

Today I am angry, very angry.  I just want to be able to take a pill and have the pain go away.  Most people can take a pill anytime that they want but I can’t.  And that makes me angry. I am pissed off and hurt.  Why did I have to become an addict?  Why couldn’t it be someone else besides me?

Being An Addict

What does it mean to be an addict? It’s a lot of hard work and dedication to wanting to stay sober.  I fight this every day.  I have to choose to be sober and not fall back into the realm of wanting to abuse drugs.  But it’s not fair that I have to be sober and in pain most days.  I am better since the surgery but I still have days that are so bad that I want just one, maybe two pills.

Why me?  I come from an addictive family.  I have grandparents that abuse alcohol.  I have parents that may have had an addiction.  I think that my mom was shopping.  She sure likes to shop.  My dad may have had a problem with alcohol too.  So I come from a family that addiction is a norm.

But why did mine have to be so hardcore?  My addiction is probably the worse out of all my family.  Actually, I know that it is.  I abused drugs to the point where it ruined a lot of things in my life.  The others in my family were able to control their addictions, or so I feel. I don’t know exactly what they went through but from what I saw, mine was worse.

Born This Way

Do you believe that I was born this way or is it a learned behavior?  I believe that I have an addicted gene in me because it’s not just drugs that I can abuse.  I was going down the road of abusing spending money very fast not too long ago.  It was giving me the same rush as it would when I took a pill.  So I believe that I have the gene in me.  It’s kind of easy to see in me.

What is that makes me want to abuse drug or spend money or whatever?  I believe that with the with the correct gene and the upbringing in an addicted house, I was predestined to be an addict.  I have been reading an article about The Genetics of Addiction.  Here are some interesting facts:

  1.  Addiction is due 50 percent to genetic predisposition and 50 percent to poor coping skills
  2.  The children of addicts are 8 times more likely to develop an addiction.
  3. Repeatedly abusing drugs or alcohol permanently rewires your brain
  4. Your genes are not your destiny.
  5. Addiction is like most major diseases
  6. Addiction is not a weakness
  7. One addiction can lead to other addictions, and one drug can make you relapse on another drug

Do you agree with these statements?  I do.  Being an addict I can see that these statements are true.  If others have questioned you being an addict or the thought has crossed your mind, then I believe that you should be looking for help in some way or another.  Or if you feel that these statements fit your life now, please look closely at yourself and see about getting help.

But I Am Still Angry.

Just because I was predestined to be an addict or I have the genes of one, doesn’t mean that I have to like it. Actually, I don’t and that is why I am allowed to be mad.  I am making the change not to abuse anything right now.  I am clean and sober as the saying goes but I can still be mad that I have to be clean and sober.  I want a pill and having to fight this is so hard. It would be so easy to call my doctor and tell him how much pain I am in and that I need medications.

But I won’t do it.  Not again.  I can’t.  I won’t.  I can’t do that to my kids and to my husband but most of all I can’t do that to me.  So here I sit.  Mad and angry.  Know what I need to do to get past it, I work out.  It hurts like hell but I increase my endorphins and that helps my pain level.

It’s Ok To Get Help

I know that there are some out there that read my post about my life as an addict, are addicts themselves.  I hope that I help people and let others know that its ok to be clean and sober.  It’s ok not to be an addicted anymore.  I won’t lie, it’s hard as hell bit, in the long run, it’s all worth it.  There is a place on the internet that you can go to get help, right now, no questions asked.  Go to  www.AddictionsAndRecovery.org. Take that first step.

 

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