Oh what I wish we could have talked about before all this happened. I have so many things I need to tell you and I’m afraid it’s too late. I’m sad and scared but I think if we work together, we can make it through all this. All I ask is that you listen closely because I am not sure you will believe everything I say. But first I have to try.
Remember to run as long as you can. Remember running when were 5? Continue to run as you do at that age. Do it often and do it loud but most importantly enjoy doing it. As I sit here now , I am wishing that I was still able to run without pain. I miss that free feeling and the wind in my hair. My legs taking me as fast as they could either running from something or running to something but it never really mattered, I just loved to run. Mom always said I never learned how to walk. As soon as my feet hit the ground at one, I was off, never looking back to see where I had been, only where I was going. Remember to look ahead to see where you are going but don’t forget to look back at where you have been. Keep hold of those memories because one day you won’t be able to run anymore. Someday you will be hoping for those memories of just one more run, one more time.
Remember how you loved to ride your bike at top speed into the warm summer nights? Riding in circles, riding in figure eights, or just riding any which way. You don’t care as long as you can ride. Be free and fast as you can because the day will come soon that getting on a bike is a thing of the past. Don’t stop riding because you get to “cool’ to do it. Ride as long as you have a bike and passion is there. Find those hills you use to ride and climb to the top so you can fly to the bottom. One day will come when climbing on a bike will seem to be the last thing you can possibly do. Your body will become too weak to ride but the memories will never die inside you.
Remember those days when you are uneasy with who you are and how you look. Let me tell you that in the big picture, nobody cares how you look, just be the best that you can be. Don’t hide your skinny little body from the world because you are embarrassed of what you look like. The girls were not making fun of how you look but where jealous of who you were. You are an independent, smart, funny, and adorable little girl. One day your body will act older than it really is, and you will want to hide from the world even more. There will come a time that you will look a lot older than you are because of the cane you have to use for the bad days. Or days that you can’t even get out of bed because your body aches so bad from all the surgeries. So be proud of how you look because one day your looks wont matter and they will tell a story with pain and suffering weaved throughout it. While there is time to flaunt what you have, show the world that you are not ashamed of who you are.
Remember clearly the days that when my body would bend and move so freely with ease. The grief you give mom and dad about have to go to gymnastics every night are unwarranted. You deep down inside love to tumble and twirl. Even though this was short live, let me tell you, what an impression it made on you. If only now you could tumble and twirl now, like you did on the beam or the floor. The way you would twirl and tumble till the earth would spin.. And your dreams of being good are merited. But remember to always practice because as mom sings “practice makes perfect, practice make perfect”is very true. Give it your all because one day it will be taken from you and you will tumble and twirl no more. You will be upset but you will always have those memories of what fun you had, but your body will never to feel that strong again. It was all worth it.
Remember that practicing the piano seemed to take forever and as your little fingers fumble over the keys, know that deep down inside you know how happy mom is. Even though you really aren’t very good, know that this will pass and one day your fingers will ache from the pain and they will fumble over the keys of the computer (see, new things are going to happen and the computer will be the new piano). Put a smile on your face and sit up straight because now when you sit up straight, you can feel the metal going down your spine to hold it all into place. So sit tall now while you can and spread the fingers wide and make beautiful music only a mother can truly love.
There is so much more that I want to tell you but I am afraid you will not live your life exactly how you are meant to. Live life to the fullest every day you are alive. Even when you get to the old body, don’t be afraid of pushing the envelope. You might not feel strong most days, we both know deep down inside we are. That is how we have made it this far. Without your stubbornness, you would throw in the towel a long time ago. And then you wouldn’t have been married, twice for that fact and the beautiful children you bore would never be. Good things are yet to come but prepare yourself for the hard part too. Without it, you might just be an average person but now you are in a body with foreign parts and bionic pieces. Granted you can’t lift a car (yes there are still cars in the 21st century) but if the opportunity arose, I know you would try. Because that is the kind of amazing person you are.
Always be strong, even when our body can’t be. Hold your head high knowing you’ve done the best you can in everything in life. You are a good person, even if people hurt you more than you care to remember. You will have your heartbroken, many times but that’s because you will put your all into it. You will find true love just will take you a few times. You never back down from a fight, and might just start a few yourself. Remember at the end of the day to be true to yourself no matter what anyone else says. Some days you will be in a great amount of pain and you will want to end it all but fight for yourself, for us. I’m depending on you as you are in me. Without the one, the other can’t survive. We don’t have to prove to everyone that we are in this for the long haul because no matter how bad the pain gets, we still push forward. Your life is worth it and so are you.
I hope that this letter will remind you daily to be the free-spirited person that you are. Run like the wind, ride your bike hard, tumble till you can’t no more, and make beautiful music a mother can only love. Without you, I can’t get through this. With the memories, I can look back and smile at our life and that gets me through the bad days. We are strong, we are stubborn, and we are proud. With all that, it makes it all worth it.
Enjoy each day, like it’s a special gift.
Your older body0