I’m not really fine, at all!

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I’m not really fine, at all.  I am pretending, trying to find ways to hide it from everyone.  I keep telling myself that “I’ve got this” and “this is a piece of cake”  Is it really or am I just fooling myself?

I’ve been through this before, after all, this will be my fifth surgery nd I probably could do it myself by now.  So that doesn’t explain why I am so scared this time.  Why is it that I am having dreams already about the surgery and in most of the dreams I don’t make it through it.  I wake scared and wanting to back out.  But I am not sure that is the best choice after seeing the X-rays and the MRI.  Not only is my disc degenerative, my facet joints are smashed and there is no area for anything to move in that area anymore. If I don’t do the surgery, and soon, there is a great chance of something bad happening.

Why me?

I ask myself this about once a day.  Why has my life turned out 180 degrees different from how I thought?  Most things turned out better than I could ever ask for.  But it’s the negative part that stands out so much more, more than it should be allowed too.  But for some reason, it has this hold me that is a double noose around my neck and choking the life out of me some days. This doesn’t help with the emotions that are already festering about the surgery.  It is making every emotion feel like my last, like a deep breath that you need to take but you can’t do it.

What ifs?

I think this is the hardest part about preparing for surgery is the what ifs! It’s easy to let your mind go free and think the worse.  What if the surgeon slips and I never walk again.  What if the surgery doesn’t work and I am like this forever. Or worse, what if, what if I die.  I can’t leave my kids and my husband.  That would break my heart

My what ifs scare me and I continue having them in my head. It’s the days that are dragging to December 23rd. But the days are also flying by.  I can’t make up my mind because it’s coming one way or another,

Do you believe in God?  I do.  I believe that He is with me all the time. But for some reason, giving this to God is impossible because I need to be in control.  I need to control the situation at all times but in reality, I am so not in control and the further from it. Knowing this is hard and scary.

How am I to get through this?

Waiting is the worse part. It seems like the longer I have to wait the harder it gets.  I want it over with and on with recovery.  I have more control of that.  I know how to push myself enough to heal quickly and get going on with life again, after all, I’ve done this 4 times before. Maybe that is what making this so hard.  Knowing exactly what I will be going through on December 23rd and afterward.  Maybe knowing less about everything is better and easier on the mind.

One day at a time is my motto for right now.  Deep breaths and not focusing on it is probably the best way to handle it right now.  Have you ever had to go through something that you were scared to death about? How did you handle it?  What were your secret to get through a rough time?  I know that we all have rough days but everyone gets through it differently. Let me know yours!

I know that this too will pass soon and I will be on the other side looking back at this.  I will have accomplished this and handled it the best as I can.  It’s normal to be scared and frightened.  There is nothing wrong with that.  I know that I am strong and can handle most things.  I just wanted others to know that there are people out there that have a hard time too.  After all, we are all human.

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