Day 77- Dear Diary

Dear diary,

Been awhile since I have written anything.  Thought it was time to update you on my life and let you know what I have been up too. I’ve been writing a lot in my addiction series and it really made me think about everything I have been through.

Being an addict is hard no matter what.  But being an addict with chronic pain and illnesses is even more difficult.  I wish to God that some days I could be normal like everyone else and take pain medications.  I really get mad and agitated that I can’t be that way.  It isn’t fair.  I should be able to take pain medications and be able to control my pain.  But instead, I have to be careful with every pill that is put in my mouth.

Back Angry

Over this past weekend, I was really down and angry.  I really wanted to be able to take a pain pill but knew that I couldn’t.  I was mad at the situations and even more mad that I was still in pain.  The surgery in December was supposed to work.  I was supposed to be in less pain that I am in. Right now I would say that I am in about the same, if not more pain than before.  I know that I still have a month or so till it could still work and take me out of pain, but I have my doubts.

My doctor has always said that if he could get me out of 80% of the pain, then his job was done.  I don’t know if I will ever be that much out of pain, but it’s a good dream. I know I sound like a huge doubter, but remember that I have been down this road before. Having previous surgeries and not having a wonderful outcome makes me be the doubter that I am.

Dental Issues

Went to the Dental School in Colorado today and it looks like they can help me.  Good news it won’t cost as much as a typical dentist and they do “all the best” of dental work! I absolutely hate going to the dentist and I need a lot of work done.  But I’m tired of not being able to eat what I want too.  And I am tired of hiding my smile. It’s time to get this fix.

My fear of dentist started when I was in first grade and the dentist we were seeing at that time thought he would try something new.  He thought that pulling out all my baby teeth and putting me into braces when I was in first grade, was a good idea.  I barely remember losing any teeth, but I remember my teeth being pulled.  Then I didn’t have the braces on for the normal 2-3 years.  No, I  had them on for 5 years.  He thought that it would be better that way and he could correct my overbite doing it slow and steady.

Hate Going To The Dentist

This dentist would try the newest and the latest things on me and I would walk out of the dentist’s office in so much pain.  Too much for a child.  I wish that I never went through that but you can’t change the past.   Learning at such a young age how to deal with pain.  I remember getting baby aspirin every 4 hours because I couldn’t eat or drink due to the pain.  My mom would call the dentist and tell him to prescribe me something stronger.  I would be taking codeine when I was 7 years old because all I could do was cry from the pain. People wonder why I get so anxious and nervous around dentist or anything to do with my teeth.  But they say that the teeth are the ‘gateway to your healthy body” so its time I get my fixed.

Diet Time

I decide that it was the time that I started to eat better and start to exercise.  I started the last week with this new, sort of diet.  It’s mainly eating correctly and drinking shakes and teas.  I’ll do a whole blog post after the first month is over with and once I have how much I lost.  Already, I can tell that I have lost a little bit but I want to wait till the first month is over with.  I am using a company’s shakes and teas with eating correctly so it will be about those products.

I would like to lose my “surgery” weight before summer comes if that is possible.  Last week, I  started to ride the stationary bike for 30 minutes a few times a week.  It has been awhile since I have exercised so I am taking it slow.  I don’t want to do too much for my back.  It has only been 4 months since surgery.  But it is feeling good to do some exercise and moving my body.  Let’s just hope that I can stay with it.

Until Next Time

Well, that’s about everything new for now. Nothing else new for now.  So until next time………..

 

 

 

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