Day 71 – Dear diary

635918009144920986-1224747028_deardiary

 

Dear diary,

Spoke with the doctor’s office today and they want to get me in asap to see if I need another surgery. I’m  not sure if I am ready for another one.  It has been two years and it seems like it is every two years that I need another one. I really hate my spine and get so angry that I have to go through this and put my family through this.  I just wish it was over with already and know.  I don’t know if I will be ok if I don’t need the surgery, knowing that I am in more pain now than I have been in a while. or if I will be ok going through that surgery again. It takes me about 6-8 weeks to get back to where I feel more myself after surgery.  I guess I just need to wait and see what is said on Wednesday.

Depression

My depression has been a little worse lately too.  I am not sure what is causing it but I seem to really be dragging and tired a lot lately. I know that I feel depressed because I know that another surgery is coming.  I think about it all the time. I want to be angry or mad about it but I am not feeling anything but depression.  I hate being depressed.  It wipes out my energy and all I want to do is lie in bed, feeling sorry for myself.  But what good is that going to do for me? Feeling sorry for myself seems to be wasted energy in itself.  I need to more for myself if the next surgery is close.  Spend more time with my kids and husband.  Do the thing that I want to do and not put anything off till tomorrow.

Weather

The weather has become downright perfect right now.  I am loving the coolness and it feels so good on my back and the titanium in my back.  I know I have spoken about this before but when I am hot or really cold, the titanium changes with the temperature outside and it’s the  weirdest feeling.  So I love the fall for that and I have always loved the changes of the season in Colorado.

Work

Work has been good for me.  It has gotten me out of the house and moves more than I normally do most days.  But I can’t believe that it’s coming to end already.  I was looking to pick up some coaching jobs but it would interfere with my son’s basketball practices.  So I might be taking some time off, not just for surgery. It was fun while I did it and I’m glad that I was able to do it.  It’s nice to know that I still have it in me.

That’s about all for tonight.  Nothing too exciting but needed to talk about the surgery.  I am sure on Wednesday I’ll to have more information and I will share it once I know.

 

Until next time………….

 

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