Day 65- Dear diary

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Dear diary,

What a week!

First off happy 10th birthday to my little boy!  How amazing it is that you are already 10!  I’m so proud of you hope that you grow up to be as your imagination is! E is the biggest 10-year-old in his mind and spirit even though you are the oldest 10-year-old I’ve ever met.

Ever feel inadequate to be able to take care of someone else when they are sick and you are having a bad pain day? That is how I have been feeling the last few days with my daughter, M being extremely sick.  I feel like I have no place to complain about not feeling well and I am supposed to take care of her and not worry about myself.  I look at her and see how sick she is and know that there is no way I should ever complain about my pain while she is this sick.  She has a horrible infection in her mouth and can’t eat and hurts to talk.  All I have is some back pain.  Am I being silly thinking that I need to take care of her more than I do to me?  Then I have a feeling I will end up being in more pain than I have in a long time.  But how do you find that happy medium? Or better how do you put your feelings of your own pain away for a while and take care of her?  This is what I have been dealing with in my mind the last few days.  I feel like a horrible parent trying to figure this out.  What is the best and safest way to take care of others when you, yourself isn’t at 100%, let alone 50%?

Do you ever feel like you lean and lean on others and one day you are waiting for them to say enough is enough? We lean on people for that support and sometime you feel like you’ve leaned too much and they are going to start to tell you to suck it up and not lean so hard. It’s almost like waiting for that other shoe to drop.  And when it drops, it will drop hard…..shattering your every piece of you.  You feel like you can lean on others and they tell you too, but when the going gets really going, you find out who is really there for you.  Some will take it all and handle it well.  Others will take it, complaining the whole time, while others say they will take it but never show up to the battle.  That battle being maybe today is a day to try to not be in bed all day, type of battle.  Will they be there for you?  Who is left standing with you no matter what?  and who runs for the hills without looking back.  I’ve kept a few close people to me and don’t like to let others into far, not sure they can handle the battle.

I laugh at the word “battle”  because this is my life that I know have to call a battle. My life has become a battle that some days I choose not to fight.  Is that so wrong of me wanting nothing but peace and quiet in my mind and in my body?  I wish I could go back years and do things all over again to the point when it wouldn’t be the same at all.  I wouldn’t want a single surgery.  I would have done my research better and read how bad it can get with back pain.  But that’s changing life and I can’t do that.  Just like I can’t stop this battle. Or just like I can’t quit this battle. Many a time I have wanted to quit.  Quit and walk away from all this.  But I know and anyone who knows me, knows I’m not a quitter.

Quit seems like the easiest way to deal some times and there are days we all feel like quitting, but believe me, I had someone quit on my once, what a mess that left. There was so much hurt and heartache that went with him quitting that can I really do that to the ones I love.  It’s not just a small heartache but one that took me years afterwards.  I am not talking because I was in love with him, but more because he quit on me.  He left me and left others to clean up the mess and he just checked out. I don’t normally talk about this but people need to know what is left and what others have to deal with once you have left. It’s not just cleaning up the physical mess of a life that once was being lived, but the pain it leaves others with being afraid to carry onward.  Maybe today is crappy and maybe tomorrow will be worse, but you have to know deep down inside that there will be better days and things will not allows stay that bad.  It might for a while, it might for a longer time than what you want, but you are worth fighting that battle and not quitting.  Not matter how you feel today, say to yourself that you are not a quitter and you want to fight this battle.

Find it deep inside yourself and fight for as long and as hard as you can.Thats all that loves ones ask.  Just don’t give up fighting and don’t become that quitter.

Until next time………

 

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