Dear Diary –
What a day this has turned out to be. Granted it doesn’t help that its Friday the 13th and a full moon out, but what a crazy day it was today.
I spent a lot of time in the car driving. I drove over a 100 miles today, just to see my son’s doctor and to run a few errands. I seem to be late to almost everything today or something happened. Nothing to major or I thought nothing to major till this afternoon. I picked my husband up from work, we only have one car right now. We headed to the nearest gas station, all that driving drank up all the gas! My husband went inside the gas station to pay and I started to get the gas hose into the gas nozzle. After I did that, I went to take some of the items from the backseat and was planning on putting the items into the trunk. Now, imagine here everything turned to slow motion and as I grabbed the items, turned to step over the gas hose and my left leg didn’t rise as high and it should have and next thing I knew, I was on the gas stations floor, embarrassed at first and then the pain hit and boy did it hit. My right arm started to swell immediately and my husband looked at it and said “we need to get that checked out now”. Fast forward to two hours later, two different sets of x-rays, one shot in the butt, and an arm/elbow throbbing in pain. Doctor walks in and says “good news is, wrist and elbow are not broken. Bad news is wrist and elbow are badly sprained and possible torn ligaments”. GREAT!! What an amazing way to one, start the weekend, and two start off my husbands vacations and the poor guy gets to take care of me again, more, however you want to look at it,
Now that you know how my day went, lets talk about my emotions today. I was in a good mood most of the day considering how things where going. But now that one emotion that I haven’t found out a way to correctly deal with it, is strongly going through me right now. That emotion is guilt. I have tried so many ways to let go of it but this emotion is holding on so tight. I am wondering if others who deal with chronic pain deal with guilt in some way or another. I am hoping Im the only one that has this strong of guilt but I am also hoping that Im not the only one that has this personal and deep relationship with guilt. I almost feel that guilt and chronic pain go hand in hand and are pretty much inseparable. Is that true? Do we who suffer with chronic pain have to deal with a hefty portion of guilt on the side? And what makes the two so perfect for each other?
I have been told and have gone through years of therapy and the consensus is just because I have chronic pain, it doesn’t mean that I have to apologize for living with chronic pain. Its that simple but its extremely hard not to feel like you are inconveniencing our family members, our friends, our doctors, or just about anyone that we think we put out for “dealing” with our chronic pain.
My question for tonight is, who is feeling guilty for putting me out because I have to live with chronic pain? No one. There isn’t one person on this earth that feels guilty because I have chronic pain. Some one might feel sorry for me or pity me, but no one is losing sleep because I live with pain. So when will I realize that I need to stop feeling guilty for the way I am?
Tomorrow I am going to go through my Saturday and not once apologize that I have chronic pain. I will not apologize to anyone for my life because it is just that, my life and I want to live it guilt free! Try it with me. When you are about to say “sorry, but I cant do XYZ because of my pain today” you instead say “not today but ask me again tomorrow” and leave it at that.
Leave me a comment as to how many times you think you apologize to anyone in one day because you live with chronic pain.