Day 58- Dear Diary

Dear diary,

I am with such a heavy heart tonight, to this past few nights. I’ve kept my mouth shut this whole time but now it time I speak my mind.  Here at Pain, Love, Hope I don’t normally write about this but this is my life 100% and this is more a part of my life than I let on. I normally want to protect my family and not want to rustle too many feathers.  I’m done being quiet………….

First off, and the most important, this past Thursday night, 5 officers were killed in the line of duty and 7 injured.  5 officers were killed and 7 injured.  I want that to sink in.  I want you to get the goosebumps I have felt.  The pure terror it brings to my heart.  One man, one asshole, one person did this damage.  ONE horrible act. Once horrible evening in Dallas, this happened.  Do you feel that in your gut?  I have felt it. I havent slept, I havent eaten and in private I have cried tears of anger and tears of pain.

12 and half years ago, I met the man of my dreams.  He was everything I wanted in a man, except I was scared horribly of his choice of careers.  You see Eric is a police officer and when I met him, he had been serving for 10 years.  Not like I could ask him to switch jobs or find something to do where he would be behind a desk every day. I couldn’t come into his life and demand to find a “safe” job. And to be honest, I didn’t want to.  I admire him for his compassion, his strength and great looks in  his uniform. And then I went on a ride-along with him and I was hooked.  I wish that would have been my career choice.  I saw the respect and the danger and there was no way I wanted him to ever switch jobs.

6 months into dating, we had our first Police Family funeral and I was scared.  I wanted to be brave for Eric and strong.  Holding back my tears, I felt sick to my stomach, as I do tonight.  But I got through it with being as strong as I could, holding on to Eric’s hand tightly, throughout the whole service.  It was until they played Amazing Grace with the trumpet was when I felt the anger I feel again tonight.  The news where there and the streets of Aurora were covered from people waving and holding signs.  The anger grew in me. People were crying and holding each other.  I could see it in Eric’s face that he was uncomfortable with all this parade, as it looked like.  Everyone wanted to be a part of all of it, to show their support.  And then I lost it.

I want to thank everyone, friends, family and strangers thanking me for being a police wife.  All the thanks to pass on to Eric.  I, we both appreciate it.  I might get some hate from this, but police and police families don’t need the thanks just when a tragedy like this happens.  Its needed 365 days a year.  It’s during the bad times, and the good times.  It’s for the holidays and birthdays he missed. The kids not being able to see daddy all the time because of his work scheduled.  We need the support these days too.  Hell, these are the days we need the support and thanks more than during the tragedy. The police family all does.  We need to show the police that we stand behind them not only during the tragic times but all the times, but all the time. And show these cowards that it doesn’t pay to be against a large police family.  This is a huge family,  take one of us down, and take down 5 and you will be meeting your maker. I don’t say this to kindly and it might piss some off, but its an eye for an eye.  I want my husband to come home every night.  My kids deserve to have a father just like every other family out there.  Why is it that we are targeted for a job that only a few handful of men and women can do, but are called to come to aid in danger or  in fear?  Why is it that people bash the police right in front of my kids and that’s freedom of speech but if I did it, I would be arrested?  Please tell me how that is fair? Do I not deserve to have a happy life too and share it with the man I love?  The 12 families in Dallas deserve to have a happy life and their life has now been turned upside down.  How is that fair?

The families in Dallas need us.  Not just today or a week from now, but a year from now, 10 years from now. What can you do to help them?  What can you do to say thank you for giving their life   for protecting us? Show them that their lives matter too.  Today and 20 years from now.

Until tomorrow…………



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