Day 57- Der Diary

Dear diary,

Finally feeling a lot better and can actually thinking without being in a full fog-haze.  But that’s what happens when you don’t take care of yourself like you should be.  Most days I go on full cruise control when it comes to taking care of me.  I would so much rather be taking care of someone else than trying to figure out myself.  I know that unless we take care of ourselves, we are no good to others, but it’s always been extremely hard putting myself number 1. I would so rather be number 101 than number. Sometimes I think that is why I was so good at being an addicted.

I wasn’t addicted to pain medications right out of the shoot.  It took me a few years of messing around with my meds till I was a full-blown addict. i liked to play Russian Roulette with my meds all the time.  Sometimes, I would take them as prescribed, other times I wouldn’t take them like I was suppose too.  And then I would take to many of my meds.  It was a gradual process of this slippery slope that I was always finding myself on.  I would get my meds filled say the 1st of the month.  I would go for the first week taking my meds as prescribed.  The second week, I would take the meds for one day and forget the next and repeat this the whole week.  Then by the third week, I was hating myself for messing up that I would take all the pills that were left in 3 days instead of 7.  Then the last week, I would be withdrawing for the first few days and then ok for the remaining of the week.  Then the cycle would start all over.

It was so hard to go through all this so much and so overwhelming that the days that I took my meds correctly where becoming farther and farther apart, until that week disappeared at all.  Then the second week of forgetting to take them would be me playing catch up for the first week and so on. And a few years doing all this became to the point of me just overtaking as soon as the prescription was filled.  It was a hard rollercoaster to be on.  I was angry at myself, at God, at family, and at anyone that crossed my path.  It wasn’t fair to them but I wanted to be mad at someone and I wasn’t the one to be blamed.

It took me 4 serious attempts of going through rehab before I let it work.  And also having the right team working with me helped a lot.  Having  supportive husband and family made a big difference and me finally wanting to become clean helped a lot.  Once all the pieces when in line, I just had to make the puzzle work. And work it was and still is.  When I started to care more about how many pills I had left then what was happening around me with my family, my friends, or even myself, that is when I knew I needed to get serious help.  Why was it 4 times before it really worked?  It was because the first 3 times I always made excuses as to why I needed the drugs still  in my life and I would use the chronic pain as a way to make it sound even better. Believe me, there was still chronic pain but I had to come to terms that I can’t have pain medications like everyone else.  When pill counting and pills in general become more important, that’s when I knew I was an addicted. There was no more guessing, it was cut and dry that is whom I am as a person and will be the rest of my life. Once I came to grips with that, which took 3 failed attempts before I chose to take care of myself and become sober.

Sobriety has given me a whole new outlook on life that isn’t all about the drugs and making sure I had enough or going through withdrawals.  I never want to go back to that life and I don’t want anyone else to go through this.If you feel you are going down a slippery slope, get help now, from anyone, and anywhere.  Life is so much better going through it sober and knowing there is more than just pills and taking away pain that no med can take away. Love yourself enough to get off the medications.  Even though having chronic pain, I don’t take pain meds any more and I don’t take medications like it a solution to all problems.  The only problem is, is taking medications to take away deep-rooted pain, not physical pain.  Thats what I was trying to do all the time. The pain that I wanted to be gone from my life had nothing to do with any surgery or chronic illness.  It had to do with things that I went through as a young adult and things that I couldn’t let go of.

I’m finally in a better place of life and want to start a series about addiction and everything I went through.  I want to show that being an addicted isn’t the end of the world.  You can still stand up, shake yourself off, and continue down life. But its something only you can do and it wasn’t easy at all.  After all, I still fought after I failed.  I was worth it and so are you.  Once you can see that, life becomes a little better.  And life is worth living.

Until tomorrow……

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