Day 52- Dear Dairy

Dear diary,

Finally back and able to post again.  I’m back from the dead and that was long couple of days.  My head barely got off the pillow and let alone I barely got out of bed.  My son had this and passed it to my husband and then to me and my daughter. We all have been feeling horrible but we are getting over it slowly.

Today I have been thinking a lot about the past few months and how crazy it’s all been.  The word that continues to come to my mind about myself if broken. Not exactly the word you want written on your tombstone, is it?  I don’t know why I feel that way tonight but mostly because of feeling broken from my body.  I didn’t realize that having a cold/flu could take so much out of me. Broken.  I feel it in my body more than anything.  Getting up out of bed even today, I feel broken. It takes me about 3 minutes to be able to stand up straight.  Very broken.  I can’t stand longer than 20 minutes without having to sit back down, again, broken.  It’s hard to fake it in front of the kids because it’s been awhile since I’ve had to take care of the 9-year-old and he takes care of me more. Again, feeling more broken.

I have days like this and there is no rhyme or reasoning behind them besides just feeling down, broken.  I think about what my insides look like and it’s not some picture I would want anyone else to see it.  It would be some bones, a lot of metal, some organs missing, more metal, an artificial disc, and more bones.  It’s not a pretty picture but I can say it’s unique and different.  I’ve always hated to be different but now, my body forces me to be different, to be unique.  Is that so bad or is it just because its hard to be different from others?

I am starting to think that being different is the best thing out there.  I remember the other day, I asked my daughter why she wanted something and her answer was “to be like everyone else”.  It’s that the truth, growing up  all wanted was to do everything so that you are just like everyone else and then later in life you learn that being different is the best thing about yourself. And that’s ok.  If you have metal, or missing a part of yourself, physical or emotional, we are all meant to be different, that’s the way we were all made, different.

I’m ready to accept broken and different because fighting these, that no matter what is the way I will always be.  Its time to start accepting me for whom I am and liking being different and accepting the fact that broken isnt who I am as a person, it’s just a small part of me. I am so many other things besides broken!  I am a wife, a mother, a daughter, a sister, an aunt, a friend. I am funny, creative, serious, enduring, entertaining, adventurous, athletic, and smart.   Thats’s not easy to do but everyone that reads this tonight needs to write 5 things about yourself. That’s all 5 things to show that you know who you are as a person.  If you can’t find 5 then start over, start from the beginning.  You are a (blank). And you are (blank).  Try it.  Just this once.  Find more things that just broken or in pain.  Join me in this, you are important to me.

Until tomorrow…………….

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