Day 41 – Dear Diary

Dear diary,

It was supposed to be a nice, calm and relaxing day but the emotions overtook me today and my old friend came a calling.  I’ve known this friend for many years and our relationship is a love/hate relationship.  This friend loves to show up just when I’m thinking everything is great and I hate that I am so controlled by this friend.

This isn’t a typical friend.  This friend doesn’t wait for an invite to come to your home and over stays his welcome many times.  When he does finally leave, I am exhausted, my life is not the same as when he first arrives.  I try so hard to put life back together as it was before he arrived but there are missing pieces and they are nowhere to be found. I’m not sure I want all the pieces either, I don’t know if they are misshaped or missing an edge or a side to it.

Usually the first day or two that my friend enters back into my life, isn’t to bad.  We argue, we fight, and we see a different outcome for me.  He wants my life one way and I am determined not to let that be the way he is so adamant about. I don’t want my life to crumble and not be anything that I’ve dreamed it to be but my friend isnt let go of his strong hold  he has on me.  He tears me down, he makes me feel like shit, and he is enjoying this torment that he is putting me through.  He extends his stay an extra night, sometimes it’s more than just one night.  He’s been know to stay for up to an extra month or two.

This friend of mine will always be a part of my life one way or another.  I can pretend that I don’t hear him ringing the doorbell or hear the telephone informing me that he is on the line. But this friend is more than just a casual acquaintance, he is more a part of me now more than ever.  And every struggle, every tear he pulls  at me, and every emotion he scorns I still allow this friend in my life.

Many people wouldn’t stand for this behavior from anyone, especially a friend.  And that is why I need to write about this tonight.  Let me introduce you to my lifelong “friend”, Depression.  Do you see that pull he has on me, the tug at my heart, that game he is playing with my mind?  Do you see that stress, anger, and fear he brings into my life?  I want to end this friendship.I need to end this relationship. I must end this relationship so that I can continue down the road of healing. I can not heal dragging Depression right behind me.

Tonight I vow that I will do everything in my power to not let Depression in like before.  I vow to take a stand for myself and anyone else that has a friend like mine.

Life is to precious and short to not try to be strong and fight this battle of depression. Stand up against it and make it your mission in life not to have this kind of friend, named Depression.]

Until tomorrow…………….

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