Day 40 – Dear Diary

Dear diary,

I missed last night from writing in my diary.  I was having writer’s block.  It isn’t like I don’t have a lot to talk about, but I don’t want to feel like I am complaining all the time.  My life isn’t so bad, or is it?  Isn’t it all in the eye of the beholder?  Or is it more on who can see my life and see how I am daily?

Tomorrow will be 11 years for my husband and I.  I can’t believe it’s been 11 years some days.  Time has flown by, for the most part.  E has been through the thick and thin with me and even though at times I wasn’t the easiest to deal with. Every surgery, every doctor appointment. every procedure, everything he has been there. And not once has he complained about taking care of me after the surgeries, and on bad days.  He has picked up extra things around the house just so I didn’t have to do it.  He does the laundry because putting clothes into the dryer isn’t something I can do  every do. He does the dishwasher for the same reason, and cooks on the nights he is home. I can’t thank him enough for all he does and I appreciate the fact that he does it all without complaining.  Most of the time he says to me when I ask him why he does it, he replies “I want to do as much as I can so you can rest and not be in pain”.

I’ve spoken once or twice about what E does for a living but incase you didn’t read that night, he is a police officer for a big city in Colorado.  He works four nights of 10 hour shifts, picks up extra nights and days so I don’t have to work and can stay home with the kids and take care of my back. And then add all he does around the house and the helping out with the kids, it is amazing he is standing vertical most days.  But somehow and someway, he finds  it deep inside him the ability to do so much and not be exhausted or run down all the time.

I wish and would love to be able to take away some of the burden that E feels and wants to take care of it all by himself.  I wish I could work again, sitting or standing 40 hours is out of the question.  I wouldn’t mind doing the laundry some days. And even though I’m not a great cooker, I would love to be able to make him that special meal he deserves without being in pain.

Am I angry that my husband takes care of me better than I do to him?  You better believe it.  Do I ever get pissed that I can’t clean the bathtub without wanting to scream in pain?  Hell yes.  Do I wish I could take the burden of making all the money off E?  More than anyone knows.  But now I’m left with wishing and dreaming of a life that isn’t mind to have.  I get angry at times.  I cry at times.  And I want to wish to change my life so many times but finally after all these 11 years, I get it.  I get that I need E to do all that he does.  I need E to remind me that I am no Superwoman any more.  And I need E to remind me that it’s all ok and he doesn’t mind doing it.

Tonight I want to say thank you to E for 11 years of amazing marriage.  Thank you for all you do around the house, And thank you for doing the job that you do and make it home to me every night. But most importantly I want to thank you for being my best friend and the love of my life.  Thank you E for everything.  I love you and Happy Anniversary!

Until tomorrow…….

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