Day 36- Dear Diary

Dear diary,

Today was another emotional day.   Nothing to do with mom, or any of that, but more having my emotions being hypersensitive.  That is something hard for people with chronic pain. All emotions, physically and emotionally, are at a higher level than most.

Many people with chronic pain have been known to have high thresholds for pain. But when it deals with emotional pain, we are the opposite than others.  So how to find the balance between the two?

After my fourth back surgery, my second that was a fusion, I was home before that 48 hour clock ticked twelve.  My surgeon called me his “Wonder Women patient” .  I was up and walking before I was even at 4 hours out of surgery.  Was I insane, crazy or delusional from pain meds?  Probably all three but I was so focused on not feeling any pain, that by the time I was home, I was an emotional wreck.  I cried because I couldn’t walk up the stairs.  Or I couldn’t make anything to eat because I was so upset at myself for dropping an egg.  So where was that Wonder Women?  Did I leave her at the hospital or did I just fake everyone out?

Emotions are so much more difficult to tame when you are dealing with pain that a normal human would be in bed with for a week living in our body for one day. Not saying that we are special or others without chronic pain isnt.  I am saying that dealing day in and day out with pain makes all senses heightened and there is nothing wrong with that as long as you can see the difference.

Knowing the difference between the two pains are so important so that when your doctor ask you if you are in pain, you are answering with the physical and not the emotional.Make sure when you are taking pain medications, it’s not because of the emotional pain.  That is what got me into trouble.  I was trying to heal that emotional pain so much more that when the doctor said “are you in pain”  my answer was “of course”.  I have been dealing with so much emotional things that I couldn’t see the difference between the two.  It took years of therapy and me admitting that I needed help before I could see the difference. Not that I’m am all healed because I still have my moments but I’m better now.  And as long as you are on that path that is right for you, that is all that matters.

Until tomorrow………………..

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