Day 34 – Dear Diary

Dear diary

Anger has subsided a lot but still mad at the situation.  Doesn’t seem to be fair to our family and my parents. especially my parents.  You know what is the hardest to see?  Here my parents were hard-working people and their retirement is spent in the hospital more than doing things retired people are supposed to be doing, like shuffleboard or horseshoes. This sucks.

I have seen other people with Alzheimer’s and I think its worse for their love ones more than anything.  It’s almost like a shell is left and the memories are done.  Oh what I would do know to have those last few day gone and time turned back to the time when I  was younger and instead of fighting with mom, I would be just enjoying being with her and loving her like she deserves. I hope deep down inside she knows I take back all those nasty things I would say in anger and she knows how much I love her.

Now the hardest part of being a parent to your parent will be finding help for her and a place to live. I’m exhausted just making a list of things that we need to do. I know we need to do this soon and not put it all off.  This is going to be hard now. She won’t be able to take care of herself anymore sooner, if not now.

 

What are we, the children suppose to do?  At least we are all together, able to lean on each other. Is that the silver lining in all this?  Is it that we are all working as one?

I feel bad for not making it in today and seeing her. talking to her one the phone, she had another seizure or stroke, what ever we are calling it now.  Friends are texting me to see if I’m o.k.  How do I answer them?  No, I f*&^ing hate life right now.  Little dramatic don’t you think?  Mom would laugh though. Yelling at me “Lisa Lynn, watch your mouth” and I would say back “give me a mirror”.  She always told me I was dramatic..Maybe that’s I all I need to do right now.  Laugh.  Maybe that is all mom would want me to be. Dramatic.  Maybe that’s all life is. Funny and dramatic.

Until tomorrow……………………..

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