Day 33 – Dear Diary

Dear diary,

I’m mad.  That is it, I’m mad at God, the world, anyone that gets in my path, and most of all I’m mad at the doctors.  No cure, that was ok to hear about myself, but today they told us there is no cure for what my mom has.  That’s not ok. Being the on the other side from being the patient to being the love one is heartbreaking.  And tonight my heart is breaking.   I want to scream, I want to cry more, and I want to make the pain go away. Oh, I know one day the pain wont be as bad as it is today but I want the pain gone today.

Life is full of heartbreak, pain, and loss  but when it happens so often in your life with love ones it leaves a hole inside  you that you don’t know if it will ever be gone. Why?  That is the questions that keeps popping in my head tonight.  Why?  Why my family again?  Why both my parents?  Why?  Why can’t I make it all better?

The tears keep coming and breathing is rapid.  Just breathe, Lisa.  I’ve told myself about a million times today.  It’s not working.  Maybe it because I havent slept again in a few days.  I close my eyes and the tears come harder and the breathing is worse now.  I need someone or something to be mad at.

The doctors give us the diagnosis in a calm, almost in a nonhuman way.  They are so calm, so straightforward.  I can hear the words but they aren’t registering with me.  Then the one word comes up and it’s so sharp and painful as it tears through my heart.  I wanted to run, to hide, to laugh outright.  It’s a bad joke that they are pulling on us.  A late April fools joke.  But it’s not.  It’s all true. That one word, and all the other words that came after that word. And then there was more words, words turned into more issues, turns into more heartache.  It’s not just one word any more, its four.  Four different issues and diagnosis.  FOUR.  I wanted to scream at them.  Call them liars.  Tell them I hate them for being so cruel to our family, to my mom.

I just turned and left.  I came home to a quiet house, hot tea, and tears.  The anger has lessened. The reality is now sinking in, reality is shining brightly now.  I can see clearer.  We fight this sitting down. We fight standing up.  We fight this  ugly monster. We fight that word,  We fight Alzheimer’s, We fight.

Until tomorrow…….

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