Day 30 – Dear Diary

Dear diary,

I can’t believe it but today is the 30th day for me writing in my diary on my blog.  I should be a lot happier for doing it this long but for some reason, I’m sad not happy.  I think I know why but I’m not ready to write it out there for anyone to see.  But I guess that’s the purpose for writing in a Dear Diary section of the blog.  Maybe I will get into it another night, but just know tonight I am sad. I wish there was switch that you can just flip and be happy when you  need to be and be sad when you have the alone time to feel that way.  Anyways, enough with depressing myself worse than I already am.

I am applying to become an advocate and an ambassador to those who too also suffer from chronic pain.  I was asked to apply from the U.S. Pain Foundation.  This is a great opportunity and I really hope I able to either become the ambassador/advocate or become a volunteer here in Denver.  This would be an incredible experience for myself and I’ve been working all day on the application. Even though I write in my diary every night, I’m finding it hard to “brag” about living with chronic pain to answer this application.  Some of the questions are “How has pain affected life?” and the one question that has me stuck is “Do you still envision a better, pain-free future?”

The future, how do you look into the future and see a pain-free life when living this way has been going on 20 years?   How do you not get your hopes up for a pain-free life, only to have your world come crashing all around you again because it didn’t turn out to be the way you wished for. Maybe my sadness tonight is stronger than I’m letting on.  There are so many what ifs and whys that are making it hard to answer and face reality of life not getting better, only worse. Maybe my sadness is really me being hurt again, and I can’t figure out how to deal with it.

I guess what I’m trying to say is living with chronic pain can affect your emotions so much that either you are way overwhelmed, or you can’t bear to look pain in the face and accept it. Your emotions can and do go hand in hand with your pain and you can’t separate the two. Is it all just an emotions, or is the emotion meshed together with pain and its appears worse than it really is.

I always tell my daughter who is autistic and suffers from anxiety, to take 10 deep breaths and try to calm down.  It helps her a lot to get through the anxiety she is feeling.  So now all I have left to say is 10, 9, 8, 7……….

Until tomorrow…………

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