Day 28 – Dear Diary

Dear diary,

I’m a little better today because I got more sleep last night than the night before.  I just don’t function well at all on anything less than 9 hours.  So being an insomniac is not the best thing for me. I used to like it as a teenager, but then I would miss so much during the day because I would sleep through everything.  Now I hate sleeping during the day and up all night.  I see the same pattern in my 9-year-old son.  He would rather never sleep and always be awake.  But that doesn’t work well for his little body!

I’ve started using my daily tracker to see where my pain level is and what is affecting.I think this is a great way to see how well I’m doing or what is affecting me more.  I don’t have a huge list of things that are negative on my list, since its hard to think that way when you know positive energy helps a lot. That got me thinking about what is my “positive energy” or where does it come from, I believe that there is a God and that He does help us in the times of need.  Maybe not in the way we want it to, but more in the way the best fits  us.

I was brought up in a very religious family.  We were practicing Lutherans.  I went to church every Sunday and during the week, I went to a Lutheran school,  I did this from the time I was in  kindergarten till the end of my senior year in high school.  I didn’t go to public schools till I was in college.  I continued down the path of going to church every sunday when I was living at home.  Then when I was about 20, I decided to test the waters with my parents.  I figured, I was old enough to make my decision about whether or not I wanted to go to church any more.  Needless to say, this didn’t fly over well with my parents, but that was what I did best, test the waters.  I choose not to go to church any more, and my parents and I didn’t see eye to eye about this, and I moved out.

Why am I telling you all this?  I believe that if you believe in your own God, you might find life a little easier.  I’m not saying that 100% believing in  God will take away all your pain or issues but at least you have someone to get through hard times with.

When I was 23 years old, I was in a very bad accident. I was heading home from my then boyfriend’s house and I was turning left on a green arrow.  All I remember is waking up in my car, while it was broken and in a thousand pieces.  I got out of my car, in pain, and crying.  I was hit head on by a drunk driver when he was estimated going the speed of 55 mph.  My chin hurt so bad and my head was ringing. I could had the worst headache anyone could have.  Even though it was June, I sat on the side of the road shivering.  All of a sudden, a woman about 30 years old stood next to me and wrapped me in this yellow blanket.  She looked at me and said “you are very lucky God was with you tonight”.  All I could mumble was yes, and thank you,  And that was the last I saw of her.  After being checked out and finding out that I broke my jaw in two places, I did realize just how lucky I really was.

About 6 weeks after the accident, I went to court to testify against the man who hit him.  I saw the officer and he gave me a copy of the list of witnesses that I asked for so I could personally thank them all, especially the lady with the yellow blanket.  But she wasn’t on the list.  The other two people who were on the list showed up to testify but neither one was her, and I know they weren’t her, because they were both males.I asked them both if they saw the women with the yellow blanket. They both looked at me and said “there was no lady with a blanket at the scene”  I was way confused.  I had no idea where the blanket came from and then I started questioning my own memory.  I received  a blanket but no one knew who from.  To this day, I call it my “angel blanket” and there is a part of me who believed she truly was an angel.  If she wasn’t a real angel, she was a least my angel.

I have to believe that I deserve to have an angel looking out for me, in many things I’ve been through in life. Or else I wouldn’t have made it this far.  Do I believe in God?  I believe in what is in my heart and that is believing in God.  I may not be a practicing Lutherans any more, but I do pray to my God and whether or not he helps me, I will never know but isn’t that what “having faith” is all about?

Until tomorrow………

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