Day 18 – Dear Diary

Dear diary

Today I had  a doctor’s appointment with not so great news.  I was told that  with what is going on with my pain lately, I need to go and see the surgeon and figure out when he wants to do my next surgery.  Not exactly the news I wanted to hear.  I knew something had changed but I was hoping it was all in my head.  My mind has a great way of playing tricks on me. But this time it doesn’t seem all in my mind.

Starting June 1, I will be keeping track of my pain level every day and hopefully be able to keep better track of where I’m at all the time.  I made one graph to keep track of my pain level.  And I made to track the psychological side of me.  For instance, I have depression, anxiety, and insomnia as something that plays a negative role on my pain that day and then I have exercise, eating, taking all my meds, and getting outside positive things that affect my pain level.  Keeping track of all this will help me see what is affecting me and help my doctors see how I’ve been.  Both of these are simple graph charts and I would be happy to post pictures of these.

Something that I noticed lately that has been making my days harder, is when I miss taking a prescription and then I have to play catch up.  My body likes everything to be exactly the same every day and the last two days, I haven’t been taking my morning meds at the same time, actually one day I forgot till that evening. I always blame  it on my ADD but its pure laziness.  I used to think that doctors didn’t know 100% what they were prescribing me, whether it would work or not so I would play this horrible game of not taking my meds then over taking my meds.  This got me into a lot of trouble.  So much so that I can no longer take pain meds like a normal medication.  I wouldn’t take my pain meds for a day or two, or a week, then take them all in one day.  I ended up becoming addicted to  the enormous high that I got downing 10 percocet at one time.  Many a time coming close to overdosing. I am lucky and only had my stomach pumped once.  But it was a scary road I was traveling.  I’m now on a medicine that no longer allows me to get “high” from pain meds.  if I was to take one, it feels like what most people feel taking a Tylenol.  No euphoria, just pain relief and that has made sobriety easier but I had to fixed the emotional part I was  trying to medicate also.

I almost lost a lot of people in my life  that I cared about, when I started to pick pain meds over family or friends. My husband road this wave that no one should ever have to with a spouse and he stood by me and accept that I was more than just an addict. He should have left me long ago but instead he stood by me and helped me clean up.  I went through withdrawals so many times, that I lost count. But that doesn’t matter any more.  What I count now is this Memorial Day will be 3 years clean and sober. I couldn’t be more proud of myself for making it this far.  I look forward to 5 years sober, 10 years sober, and so on. i have been on this new medication for 2 years now.

I don’t normally like to talk about my past life, as I like to think call it.  But it made me a stronger person and a fighter and if I can help just one person, then its all worth putting myself out there.  I used pain meds to take away all the pain that I lived with.  It took me a while to see that there was more to me being an addicted than someone living with pain. There was a physical need for it and then there was an emotional need for it.  It took me a long time and a lot of hard work, hours of therapy, and not giving up that made me want to get through it and become a fighter for that number 1 person, ME.  Once I stopped thinking that people liked the medicated Lisa more and finally realizing they really liked the non-medicated Lisa more, is when I made that turn in my life to take these hard steps. I won’t lie, at times I rather be dead than not have any pain meds.  I would  rather lie to a doctor then realize they all wanted to do was to help me. I would rather hurt someone close to me by lying than live without my pain meds.  But now, it’s all different, I have a reason to stay sober and its ME. I do count and I’m special so I do deserve a happy and healthy, non-addicted life.

If you are someone needing to get help, your first step is to get up right now and look in the mirror.  You see yourself?  You are worth more than you realize, you are more special than you give yourself credit for, and you deserve a better life than you are giving yourself. I will tell you, it’s a lot of hard work and being 3 years sober, I still fight those demons every single day, some easier than others, but it’s still there.  Make that promise with yourself that you will have that hard talk with your doctor.  Make that promise to have that hard talk with your family.  And most of all, make that promise to have that hard talk with yourself. Once you do, get ready for an amazing change in your life that I promise you, is well worth it.

Until tomorrow……

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