Day 17 – Dear Diary

Dear diary,

I’ve had an off day today and haven’t felt much like myself.  Spent some of the day sleeping, and the rest of it watching YouTube videos and this evening a movie.

I’ve found an interest with watching videos lately on beauty, fashion, and my newest addiction, planners, planning, and videos on something called “plan with me”.  There is a huge creative world out there of people using paper planners again.  I’ve always loved planners, stationery items, and paper/pencils.  But now, being with this community of people who enjoy something you do, feels good.

I honestly believe that having hobbies has helped me get where I am now.  I’ve always been into art and finding creative outlets. But after having back surgeries, I needed to find something I can do from my bed on those bad days.  I so wish I could still stand and paint, but I would never finish since the bad days come more than the good.

One Christmas, about 25 years ago, my older brother bought me a gift that  I still to this day have and love.  It wasn’t a piece of jewelry, or a book.  It wasn’t something that I used on a daily basis but its one of my most prized possessions. I don’t even know if he knows that I still have this.  He bought me the most amazing and beautiful full length easel. It was an antique when he gave it to me and I often look at that easel and remember the passion I had for painting and drawing.  It saddens me to think that it stands in the corner and doesn’t get the use that it should but there is no way I will part with it. It gives me a hope that one day, I will be able to use it like I use to. I don’t think I’ve ever told my brother just how much the easel means to me…..I think he will know now reading this!

Hope is a valued tool to have when living a life that can vary daily, weekly or monthly.  It’s ok to hope, to dream, and even to wish.  Just make sure you add a side of reality with any of those.  I think living with a reality that life does change.  Just don’t hope for something that isn’t within parameters that doctors don’t think you will fit.  I’m guilty of that.  I have often heard what the doctors say but don’t believe what they are saying.  And to be honest, it didn’t do me any good to live in the dream world.  I always ended up just more depressed than before. There is a fine balance of hopes and dreams vs reality. I also think that it’s different for each person.  Its different from disease to disease.  Try and remember that there is no normal.  I can’t say that enough.

Anyone out there interested in the world of planners, feel free to contact me.  But I’ll warn you now, once you start, you can’t get out. Maybe that’s what you need though. I surely helped me.  I will begin to post pictures of how I am now keeping track of my pain, my emotions, and overall back issues.  It’s a simple graph but it just takes effort, like most things in life.

Until tomorrow………


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