Day 13- Dear Diary

Dear diary,

Another beautiful day in Colorado!  I love it when  its this temperature and season.

Tonight I have the kids with me and we are hanging out together. I love spending time with them and I think they enjoy me too! We get time together a lot with the crazy schedule of a police officer in the house.  Most nights its me and the kids and its been hard on the kids with me living with chronic pain.  My youngest. E is an old soul that can take care of his older sister better than I can most days when I feel well. M who is 13, is high-functioning autistic.  Even though most people are surprised to find out she is autistic, there are things that we have to remind her to do and things she can’t do on her own that we have to help her out with. Having a child with special needs and then having to deal with issues myself, I feel like it’s totally not fair to my kids.  I know, everyone is going to say, “Lisa, your kids have a wonderful life and you spoiled them”. I try, but don’t feel I give them enough of me!

When I learned that I was pregnant with my first child, I gave my unborn child a promise to give her the best life I possibly can and I would be the best mother I could possibly be.  Again, I had that same conversation with my second unborn child. Then during my second pregnancy, in the third trimester, I started having back pain.  It was attributed to being pregnant.  After my son was born, the back pains continued.  This time the doctors said the back pain was due to my endometriosis.  This time, I had a hysterectomy.  Again, back pain continued after the surgery. Then when my kids where through the terrible 2’s, a back surgeon diagnosed me with Degeneration Disc Disease.  Finally, a diagnosis. Finally a name to my pain.  Then the real problems happen.  My first back surgery was when my son was 2 and my daughter was 6.  I couldn’t lift anything more than a quart of milk. I couldn’t life m son when he cried.  I couldn’t carry him anywhere.  I couldn’t pick up my daughter if she fell.  I couldn’t lift her if she needed me too.  Do you know what that does for a mother who had that conversation and promised to my kids to be the best mother ever?  I know, my kids have a great life.  My  kids had a good mother.  But I wanted to be the best.  I believe they where being deprived of a great mother. It’s that whole guilt thing again.  It’s that crazy thinking that I wasn’t whole because I had this disease that didn’t make me a great mom.

I believed for a long time that my kids weren’t having a great life. And they  weren’t getting the best mom.  I know now that I am a great mom and I can’t always do everything, but I try to that is all that matters.  My kids aren’t deprived.  And my kids do have a good life.  Sometimes they have to be more independent than most kids their age, but that is a good thing for them.  I believe that my kids will grow up to be amazing adults. My kids will be great parents if they choose to be parents. And most of all, my kids will know that they have it in them to believe 100% in themselves.

I love being a mom and I love knowing I did the best parenting I possibly could. Having chronic pain doesn’t make me a bad person, a bad mom, a bad wife, it makes me a better mom, a better person, and a better wife.  Try to find the positive in the difficult times. And knowing you  have chronic pain doesn’t define you, it is just a part of you.

Until tomorrow……….

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