What came first, the depression or the pain?


The last few weeks have been hard for me emotionally.  I was doing really well but now I seem to have found a brick wall and I keep hitting my head against it.  Before this time, I was doing really well and seemed to be on a roll.  Then all of sudden I wake up one day and don’t have the energy or willingness to want to do anything. Everything seems to be jumbled together and difficult to complete.

What Has Changed?

That is just it, nothing has changed.  There hasn’t been anything significant amount of change, or anything that would be the reason for this change.  How can it be that I go to be one night, seeming to have it all together, only to wake and have an 180-degree change?  What happened from the time I laid my head on the pillow to the time my eyes woke to see the morning light?

I wish I had the answer.  I don’t.  But what I do know is something change, be it physical or emotional (I’m leaning more to emotional).  All I know is that there was something in a short amount of time that changed me from wanting to write all the time, do things and have my life or so I thought, under control.  And then I wake and the depression was, is so great that I forgot what it was like to live a full life.

Have you ever felt like that?  Has there been a time in your life that you are cruising right along with life and bam, out of know where the wall shows up and you hit it going 100 miles per hour?  That’s how I feel right now.  I was going on with my life just how I wanted it to be and everything changed.

Teary Eyes, and Sadness

Juggling life with chronic pain and illness is a battle in of itself.  But then throw in life and everything becomes different.  Let me try to explain how I was feeling and how I changed.  You know how it is when you like a particular food and you can eat it over and over for a long period of time.  You change it a little every day, add a little salt more pepper, still tastes so good.  For months you can eat it.  Breakfast, lunch, and dinner.  Then all of a sudden one day you wake up and you can’t imagine eating that again no matter what, for the rest of your life.  You have eaten that piece of food so much that the thought of it makes you sick to your stomach.

That food was your life for months, maybe longer.  You thought about it all the time, you changed it a little here and there but for the most part, that food was perfect.  Then one day it wasn’t.  What made it food that no matter what you did to it, it wasn’t something that you could ever have again.   In short, what is it that in 8 hours or so span that changed?  What made it that this food was your life and then turned out to be the worse thing you ever tasted?

This is how I feel right now.  My pain hasn’t gotten worse.  I haven’t been diagnosed with another chronic illness.  I just have felt that something has changed.  Something is different from where it was two months ago.  Right now, I couldn’t imagine taking another bite of that piece of food.

Depression, Anxiety, and Life

I didn’t think that my depression has gotten any worse than it was before. If anything I don’t feel depressed like I have been known to feel in the past.  About 5 years ago,  I had checked out for days, maybe weeks and needed help coming back from that. I don’t feel that way right now.  I seem to be happy and I am still getting out of bed every day, one foot first.

My anxiety has been a little higher than most days, too  I have found that there are certain triggers that have been setting off my anxiety.  For instance, I am short on my patience with the kids lately.  It’s hard having it be summer vacation, kids home all the time, and I am home all the time.  Being home all the time with the kids can be difficult. “My time” is cut into a lot less and I am with the kids 24/7. I would hate for them to be off this summer and not be able to be with them. So this causes my anxiety to hit an all-time high.  Not that it’s the kids’ fault, I love my children to pieces but we all need our own space.

Pain and Changes

My pain hasn’t changed that much but I have noticed it more lately if that makes sense.  When you are depressed, the pain seems to be magnified a great deal. Like the pain is more intense the more depressed and anxious you are. Have you ever felt that way?  Has the pain in your life become more intense the more you become depressed?

The more the emotional you are, the more the pain is there.  This is hard for me being an addict and not being able to take pain medications like most typical people doesn’t help.  If you would like to read my addiction story, you can find that here. But now is the time that I wished that I could take pain medications and take away the pain that I am feeling. But is the pain greater now and I need pain medications, or is it all in my head and like I said, magnified because of the depression and anxiety? It’s hard to tell which comes first, my emotions or the pain.  And which one is greater?

Change Is In The Air

No matter what the reason for the change is, there is a change.  I can’t say for sure that I am downright depressed but I can say that my emotions have changed recently.  It could be the change in the pain level or the pain level changed because of the emotions.  Like I said hard to tell which came first.  But I do know is that one day I woke up and things did change.  So now it’s my decision as to how to go along with this.  Do my medications, my antidepressants need to be adjusted?  Or is this something that will just go away? And how long do I wait till I make any changes?

No matter what, living life with chronic pain and illnesses is very difficult.  But add other ailments into the mix and depression and anxiety is the outcome.  Knowing how to deal with this is one of the best things you can do for yourself.  First thing is to make sure that you have a good and understanding doctor.  Without a medical professional at your side, it can be difficult to get better. The second and almost as important is talking with family and friends. This may be more difficult than talking to your doctor but having family and friends by your side is so helpful.  And third is to take care of yourself the best that you can at that time of your life.  We all go through difficult times but if we don’t take care of ourselves, physically and emotionally, then it can make things a lot more difficult.

Life Changes

Going through changes in life is very typical.  But knowing that we need to take care of yourself is important.  And also how we take care of yourself is important too.  Sometimes life throws curves balls at you and it’s all how we take care of ourselves that is important.  Sometimes we don’t know what is going on but we need to just ride the wave and get through this time in our life. Because we don’t know when the next curveball will be thrown and we don’t know just how our bodies will react to it. So take each day at a time and know that this too will pass.











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