My bad pain day.

My bad pain day

It cuts through me like a knife easing its way through butter.  I can feel the pain from the top of me head to the bottom of my feet and no matter what position I get myself into, the pain is there.  I take some medicine to help with the pain and minutes tick on by waiting, wanting it to work.

Twenty minutes later and the pain is still as intense as it was before taking the medicine.  I want to cry.  I want to scream.  But the thought of making that much of a movement trembles me deep inside.  I know this will past.  I was told this will past.  It has to past.  I just want to be able to sit up and not lose feeling in my feet.  I want to be able to get up to go to the bathroom without crying with every step that I need to take.

Thirty minutes later and the pain has lessened.  I can still feel the pain as it is a tooth ache that hurts so bad that the rest of you is hurting.  I move to the other side, lying down. Maybe this side will be better.  But it isn’t.  I can still feel the amount of pain that I was feeling a few minutes ago.  It’s not getting any better even though I took the amount of medicine that the doctor told me too.  I throw the pill bottle across the room and sob.  I want the pain to end.  I need the pain to end.  But it wants to hold on to me.

Forty minutes later and my lower back is on fire.  My legs are tingling and feel like they are going to fall asleep and never wake up.  I can’t think with the pain affecting me for this long now.  I want to close my eyes and think of a sunny beach and all my pain is gone.  But something, a loud noise jolts me back to reality and the pain is still there. It was just a dream. or was a nightmare of what its like to live without pain?  I want to cry out to God, to anyone, to everyone, please make it go away.  Please let it be gone shortly.  I make promises with God, with the universe, with anyone that will listen.  I promise to be a better person if you just make the pain go away.

Fifty minutes later and the pain is now back to the intensity that it was before I even took the medicine.  What was the point if it doesn’t help me, fix me?  I lay in the fetal position and sob some more.  I feel the pain tearing into my back and stretching through to the front of me now.  I tell myself, this is it, this is the most I can take.  I can’t take anymore of this and I shouldn’t have to.  I start to think of ways to make the pain end.  If I  take more of the medicine, wont that help?  Wont that make me feel better? But I threw the bottle across the room and there is no way in hell that I can make it that far now.  Even if I take more, is there anything saying that it will help me feel better at all?

Sixty minuets I have been lying here in horrible pain.  One hour and it’s not getting any better.  I want to end this all now.  I need to end this all now. But something inside of me begs me to hold on.  I think of my husband and kids.  I think that I don’t want them to be without me because I wast strong enough this time.   I start to self-talk to myself.  I start to tell myself that I need to hold on.  Fight through the pain and not let it win.  I need to be strong for my family, especially my kids.  And as I start to focus on the reasons to live, I start to feel the tension release.  I start to feel my toes uncurled.  And I start to relax.   Once I start to relax, the pain decided that it’s not worth fighting with me anymore today and begins to slowly release its hold on me. I start to feel the pain lessen itself slowly.  I can now sit up and I’m not sobbing. But smiling, remembering my kids and the reasons the make me smile.  M is just loves to make me laugh by telling the silliest jokes, and E loves to take care of me, showering me with hugs and kisses.  To me, these are my reasons to hold on.

Now the pain has lessen a great deal.  The medicines are making me relax and feel sleepy.  I held on this time, I fought this fight this time and won.  But who knows what the next fight will bring.


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