5 Things Not To Do When Suffering From Chronic Pain

Someone in pain

Suffering from chronic pain, you get a lot of advice as to what to do and how to deal with the pain.  But no one ever talks about the things that you shouldn’t be doing.  Living with chronic pain, there are many things that you shouldn’t do.  In this post, we will talk about five things you shouldn’t do when in chronic pain.

Making Excuses For The Pain or For You

The first thing that people suffering from chronic pain should never do is, make excuses for the pain or for yourself. Meaning that when your friends invite you out for dinner, and you have been in bed all day.  You know that you can’t make it and instead of saying that you had a bad day, you make up some excuse about having to clean your house or a hang nail that is out of control.

Be honest with people about your disease or pain.  I believe that most of us lie is we are afraid of what people will think of us.  But we shouldn’t care about that.  What we need to care about is we are taking care of ourselves and if we have a bad day or two, allowing ourselves to be honest and not ashamed that we have to live with pain or a disease.

I know it is easier said than done.  So start with baby steps. Start to talk about the pain that you live with or bring up what it is exactly like having your disease.  Let people into that side of your life and the more you talk about it, the more they will start to understand.  The more that they understand, the easier it will be to telling them the truth.

Trying To “Work” Through The Pain

When we are on a roll and getting things done, sometimes we don’t want to stop for the pain or the disease. We find that if continuing with what we are doing, we easily forget what our body needs to come first and we need to take care of it properly. Pushing through, or working through the pain isn’t the best choice for us.  What if there is a symptom that is new and we are ignoring it?

Instead of working through the pain, we need to be listening to our body and what it is telling us.  We are the only true spokesperson for our body so we need to be in tuned to it.  That way we can be honest with the doctors and they can make the proper decisions about our healthcare treatment. Listening to our body, we may even notice some new symptoms, which can be useful to the doctor.  Or we may not feel a symptom anymore, which may be a sign of healing, and the doctor should be notified about this.Either way, we need to be paying attention to our bodies and following exactly what it is saying.

Not Being Honest With How Much Pain You Are In

This goes along with the one above. Living in constant pain, I have the tendency to tell myself that I am really not in that much pain as I think I am.  I tell myself that it’s all in my head and I just need to forget about it. But just like working through the pain, we then have the likelihood to not being honest and possibly hurting ourselves more. We need to be able, to be open with ourselves and with others as to how much pain we are in.

We think that others will judge us or think poorly of us if we do tell the truth.  I know that often I feel like I am complaining and being whiny about the amount of pain that I am in.  When in truth, it is very helpful to other to know what to expect from us.  And if anyone is going to be judging us with what we live with day in and day out, then do those people really deserve to be in our lives?  I don’t think so.  I think we need to surround ourselves with people who respect our illnesses or pain and know that what we live with, we deserve the courtesy of that esteem.

Self Medicating, Is Smart To Do?

Many times, we think that we know our body and illness better than most people, especially our doctors.  That being said, one of the most important things that we should not do is self-medicate.  I know this is really hard to do but we need to listen to the doctor and follow the instructions on every one of our pill bottles.

I have been guilty of this, myself. I often think to myself “just this once” or “I know how I feel” and either take more than I should or even at times taken less than I should.  Thinking that we understand our bodies and know what is best for it.  When in fact, we do know our bodies the best, but we don’t know medications like a doctor or a pharmacist does.  We need to respect their opinion and know that there is a reason we are on the pill, dosage, or whatever. I can’t stress enough just how important this one is to follow.

Not Giving Your Doctor All The Infomation

Do you ever think that you are going to be 100% honest with your doctor and then you get into that room, you know the one that makes you sweat and brings on anxiety? That room where you are supposed to trust your doctor all the way and know that he/she will take good care of you.  But once you get into that room, you forget what you are going to say.  Or you get nervous and afraid that you are wasting everyone’s time.

When in reality, this is supposed to be a room of comfort and security.  You should feel that you can tell your doctor everything, no matter how big or little it is.  It doesn’t matter if you think the information is so small and doesn’t play a part in your health, you need to be telling your doctor.  It doesn’t matter if the information happened 10 years ago, you still need to be telling your doctor.

The more pieces of the puzzle, that being you, that the doctor has, the better the care you will receive.  To make the whole puzzle, the doctor needs every little piece that is out there.  From when was your last tetanus shot to how many surgeries have you had are all important.  Do try to give as much information about each piece as you can.  If you are like me and dates don’t stay with you, write everything down and carry it all in a folder.  There will be a PDF coming out soon in the resource library that will be a form that you can write down all your information and take that with you to the doctor’s appointment.  Check back frequently to get a copy of that.

These are the five important things not to do when you suffer from chronic pain or illnesses.  Each and everyone plays an important role in your health care puzzle.  Never underestimate the amount of pain you are in and don’t be afraid to share that with friends and family.  Take care of yourself and listen to your body. Be careful not to over-medicate or under-medicate yourself.  And be honest with your doctor about all the other pieces that go to the library. All of these are very important in playing the part in your life.  Make sure to take each one seriously and equally.  After all, you have been given just one body for this life.  Try to take care of it the best you can.

 

 

The story I never wanted I to tell. My name Is Lisa and I’m a …….Part IV

If you haven’t read the previous parts to this post, you can find them here.  Part I, Part II, Part III

 

Addiction and relationships are like oil and water, don’t mix well.  Or they mix well while it’s shaking but the moment it isn’t, the mixture starts to separate.  Same thing with relationships and addiction, while there is something or someone shaking it up, the relationship meshes together.  Stop shaking and the relationship starts to separate.  So whether the relationship is water and addiction is the oil, the two no matter what is not going to work.

Relationships take a special kind of TLC to keep the relationship alive and going.  It takes works from both parties involved in the relationship.  If one person starts to not participate in the relationship as much as he/she had prior, the relationship can start to fall apart. Add something else to the relationship, and there is a good chance it won’t mix well.  Add addiction to the relationship and it won’t mix well.

Addiction alone is something that is hard to deal with on a day-to-day basis.  But what is it like to be an addict and be in a relationship?  Does the addiction come first or does the relationship? And what happens when the addiction becomes more important than the two in the relationship?

A relationship, no matter if it between a man and women, a man and a man, women, and women, or any combination there can be, takes a lot of work to keep the relationship new and fresh. A relationship, no matter what form it comes it, takes a lot of work for the two involved. There is always the need to keep it fresh and alive.  And there is the need to keep the relationship secure with trust and faith in each other.  Those are the two biggest parts of having a solid relationship. Being able to trust and have faith in each other can take a lot of work on both parts of the relationship.  Showing that there is trust and faith show the depth of that relationship and how important the relationship is to both parties.

Being an addict means that you have become physically and mentally dependent on a particular substance, and unable to stop taking it without incurring adverse effects. This can be a drug, alcohol, the opposite sex, or just about anything now a day.  When someone is an addict, their life revolves around the item or thing that they are addicted too. An addict’s whole life is about the thing that they need.  They become obsessed with it and need the drug, drink or anything else that it is all the time.

When someone is an addict, they eat, sleep, and dream about what they are addicted too.  My drug of choice was pain medications, not one in particular, but anything that would make the physical and mental pain go away.  When I was in the throes of my addiction, nothing in my life mattered to me except that medications.  I would do almost anything to get enough of it so I wouldn’t run out of it.  I remember that feeling I would have when I was close to running out, and it’s a feeling that is hard to explain. I would start to sweat at the thought of running out of the medication. I would think about that medication constantly, praying that I would never run out. Being that focused on the medication didn’t leave much more time for anything else.

Being that focused on the medication didn’t leave much more time for anything else. Including a relationship is put on the back burner,  while addiction is number 1. The relationship can suffer and even fall apart with the lack of attention it has on it.  A relationship is like a plant that needs to be watered and feed.  It needs to have the right amount of water and the right amount of food for the relationship to grow.  If it doesn’t have the right amount,  the relationship can wither up and die. The same goes for the lack of attention.  If the attention is on the addiction and not the relationship, then that relationship could die as well.

Maintaining both an addiction and a serious relationship can be very difficult to do.  Most relationships and addictions need two very different things, oil, and water.  Hence the lack of the two mixing.  the person with the addiction needs to decide what is more important in his/her life and then taking on one of the hardest journeys they will ever take part in.  But once that person starts down the road of recovery, life takes on a new meaning and purpose.  That is what the person needs to focus on then, being helped. Then the rest of the important aspects of their life will fall into place.

The other person in the relationship needs to remember patience and understanding through this hard time.  Being there for the addict is one of the important roles a person can be in.  Letting the addict going through the steps to the road to recovery is important to the growth and possibly healing in the relationship.  Any relationship, no matter how strong it is in the beginning when the addiction is new to the relationship, can take a hit.  Some relationships can withstand the pressure and hurt from the addiction but some relationships can’t.  The best thing is to work on one then the other.  The addiction is the most important thing that would need the most attention.  Once that is in better shape, the relationship can be worked on.

Taking time to heal both the addiction and the relationship is very important. Missing that oil and water will never fully mix correctly so heal one, the oil before you fix the water.  Maybe later in the healing process, you will realize that you both aren’t one or the other, but instead, you are both oil or both water.  And then you find out you both mix well.  Work on yourself, as best as you can, and get the help you need for the addiction.  The rest will all fall into place later when and if the time is right. A strong relationship can withstand the difficulties and pressures from the addiction.  But that’s only if you are willing to heal yourself.  Fix the addiction, then fix the rest of you.

 

There will be two more posts in this series.  Look for them the following Sundays.  They revolve around self-esteem and what its like to be sober. Hope to have you back to read them.  Please feel free to leave me any comments or questions. Lisa

 

Looking normal while suffering from chronic pain.

All I want to be in normaal

Mirror, mirror all I want to be is normal.

Looking in the mirror at myself, I’m intent to make myself look at “normal” as possible today. Normal to me is someone who has a chronic illness or suffers from chronic pain but on the outside, no one can tell. There aren’t any huge scars informing others of the suffering happening on the inside. There is no signs of disease or lack of color to the face or partial amount of hair to show the world what is really happening deep inside of me

Wanting to be normal is a very common desire that one can have. Looking different is usually not something that most people want.  Of course, there are some that live to look different, mostly teenagers. But most of us suffering from chronic pain and/or illness would like to fit right it.  Not having scars or signs of illnesses can help us camouflage into looking the same as everyone else but deep inside we know how “abnormal” we are. Trying to fit in all the time is exhausting and stressful.  It can be exhausting constantly making sure that we are normal looking and that no one is noticing anything else.

Ways I Try To Look Normal when suffering.

After my last surgery, I use a cane for a few weeks for balance and strength.  I absolutely hate using the cane and how it makes me look.  Seeing the stares and the people’s looks on their faces wondering what is wrong with me. I try to take myself off the cane as fast as possible. It’s hard to do that when I have a disability tag for handicap parking.  Even on my good days, I need that extra few parking places to be closer to the stores.  I always use my cane because the last thing I want is for people to think I’m not handicap and I shouldn’t be parking there. So it’s the worst of both worlds, I don’t want to look handicapped, but I need to park in the handicap parking space.

What Makes Me Not Look Normal?

Why is it that we want to look as normal as possible while suffering from chronic pain?  Are we embarrassed that we may look a certain way?  Or is it that we have told our story so many times that we aren’t in the mood to talk about it again? I believe it’s a mixture of all three and maybe even more.   It’s between being embarrassed by how I look with a cane which makes me look a older that I am. Or that’s how I think I look.  And also tired of telling the same old story.  I am just not in the mood all the time to explain to complete strangers what is going on with my body. Then the possibility having them feel sorry for me.

Many times, I wish that I could run away when someone asks me what’s up with the cane. And granted, most people are nice about it. Some try to make jokes about it, but most of the time, it’s just plain uncomfortable to talk about this subject with strangers. Most strangers are as kind as can be.  I don’t believe that their main purpose for asking is to be mean.  I believe, or choose to believe that most people are truly concerned. But after telling your story so many times, it becomes boring, to even you.

Other things that come to mind when trying to look normal is trying to look your best all the time.  As hard as it is for those of us with chronic pain to “spruce” ourselves up on daily basis, it’s good for us to do it.  Not only are we then taking extra care of ourselves, we are showing the world that we can do it.  I know when I take a nice hot shower (good for my sore muscles) and get dressed nicely, I feel better.  I wrote a post about my grandmother Alice who I got most of my medical issues from but always had her “face” on to help her feel normal and fit in.  You can read that post and see a picture of grandma Alice,

I wrote a post about my grandmother Alice who I got most of my medical issues from but always had her “face” on to help her feel normal and fit in.  You can read that post and see a picture of grandma Alice, here. Things like that help her feel more human and look normal to the rest of the world.  Try it one day to see how you feel about it.  It just might be for you.

There are a few ways in which you can try to help look normal.  Also, I think we need to decide why it is that we need to look normal, to begin with.  And why is something we strive so hard to be? I think we answer that question and looking normal won’t matter as much to you anymore.  Being normal will be a thing of the past and won’t matter anymore.  After all, what is normal looking?

 

 

 

 

 

Patient Bank | The New Form of Medical Records? | Sponsored Post

I have been given access to PatientBank.us as part of a product review through the Chronic Illness Bloggers network. Although the product was a gift, all opinions in this review remain my own and I was in no way influenced by the company.

I was asked to do a review on this company, Patient Bank, which can be found here.  Patient Bank is an online company that retrieves your medical records and stores them in one place for you to review, print, and have on hand for any time that you might need to have your records,  For instants, if you are seeing a new physician.  Having all your medical records on hand would be helpful for both yourself and the new doctor.  Another reason is if you are needing a second opinion. Having any medical records is very helpful  I know that I have had to wait for days if not long for my medical records from doctors that I was currently seeing.

In return for my opinion. I was given a free account for a year with the ability to get as many records as I need.  It did recommend to have it less than 10 years, as records are purged many times.  I decided to see just how many records I could obtain, one being just at 10 years this past August, the day my son was born, August 7, 2006.  So onward with my mission of obtaining these records,

I started my mission back on January 14, 2017, for 7 different records from 7 different doctors/hospitals.  I started the process in the evening, a little after dinner time, and considering that I thought it would take about an hour to fill out the information.  But I was wrong, it was a fast process and very easy to do.  As long as you have the information for each of your doctors, it was a fast process. Maybe 3 minutes and the longest time is to find the correct name of the establishment.

Once you have placed your order, you sit back and wait.  That’s all you do.  Most of my more common records were found in less than two weeks.  The one I wanted to see if there would be records, was in fact, still in the hospital and I received all the records from my son’s birth.  I was excited and will enjoy reading those records.  Given that it took 6 weeks, I am still impressed with this company.

Here is how you sign up.  Go to the website here to sign up.  There is a wonderful, informative video of the whole process and what to expect from the process.  Each set of records cost $30.00 a piece.  At first, I was thinking that this was a lot, so I called a hospital here in town explaining that I needed my records from 4 years ago, what the cost. I was pretty shocked at this.  The first 10 pages were free.  That was nice of them.  But sit down for the next part.  Pages 11-20 cost .45 a page and anything over 20 pages where .95.  I asked how many pages where my records.  The answer floored me, only 113.  That is $92.40 for MY records.  I said thank you and hung up.  Maybe $30.00 sounds like a lot, but in reality, it is nothing compared to what you could be charged.

Pros for this was simple; all your records in one place.  Also, you don’t have to run around trying to find all the places you have been, go there and sign consent forms, pay a large amount, and wait.  Here you spend 3 minutes to start, pay $30, sign the consent form and wait.  I would definitely go with Patient Bank. You also get a “shareable summary” to be able to share with all your doctors. And the final pro for Patient Bank is that you can keep track of all your records in one place.  I really enjoy that.

Cons for this was few, okay, only one.  The biggest one would be the time that it.  Granted, I gave them one that was over 10 years old and they still got it for me, so is it really a con?  If you have the time, then it’s not really a problem.  You are going to have to wait no matter what, so why not be able to track the whole process.

My final verdict with Patient Bank is it is positive, easy to use, and affordable.  It would be smart of you to use Patient Bank for all your records in one place.  Take time today to get all your medical records in the one hands that they need to be in, yours.

 

 

Something New At Pain, Love, Hope! Come Check It Out!

Have you ever seen a bridge and wonder what is on the other side and if it’s worth checking out?  Well, Pain, Love, Hope has built a new bridge and I am hoping you are going to want to come check out the other side.  You see, I decide that I wanted to start to give back to my readers for all the times that you have read my story, and what a long story it is, isn’t it?

Over the last few weeks, I really wanted to do something special for my subscribers, since we are already over 4000.  I thought about another giveaway, which would only make one person lucky. So I thought about setting up a resource library for those who also suffer from chronic pain and illness.  I’m sure you are asking what is a resource library and how can that help you.  Well, let me tell you about this world of goodies!

A resource library is a place that you can go, but only if you are a member of the Chronic Pain Cronies group.  If you have already signed up for my newsletter and received an email with a password, well you are all set to go.  If you don’t have that password, you’ll need to sign up to be a part of our friends, my crony.  Once you have done that, you can head over to the resource library and get access to the FREE, yes free printables that are already there and waiting for you.  Let me tell you about one of the printables that are there.  The first one is a medicine tracker.  All you need to do is print it out, write in your medicines and off you going keeping track that you have taken it every day. How easy is that for you?  Nothing else for you to do, and you can print it out as many times as you like.  Maybe once for you, and one for your husband, and of course, maybe Fido is taking medicines that you need to keep track of.  So print out three! How easy is that!

Now, the medicine tracker isn’t the only printable out there.  There are a few more, with the guarantee of two printable every month. Every month, there will be the printables already there and then two more will be added for you to use.

It’s as simple as that.  Join the group of cronies here at Pain, Love, Hope’s newsletter and get access to all the free printables.  Some months, there will be request months for printables that you might need.  If you are chosen to be one of the few, I will create the printable for you and all your friends and you won’t have to lift a finger.  Pretty fun, isn’t it?

So right now, make sure that you are a part of the friend’s newsletter.  If not, head to the top of the blog and under “Get instant access to Chronic Pain Cronies Resource Library” tab and sign up. That’s all you need to do to see the other side of the bridge because big things are going to be happening here and would hate for you to miss it. I look forward to having you part of my cronies and can’t wait for us to be friends.

 

 

 

 

Where Have I been lately?

Oh, my what a week I have had.  I thought I would change hosting companies because I was getting a better deal with this new company.  I did a little research and per what I read, it was a simple thing to do.  Oh, how I was wrong.  Oh, how this was more difficult than I could imagine and over the last week, I keep asking myself “why oh why, did I do this?”

Saving a few extra dollars when your blog is just starting out is an important thing to have to happen.  Not every post is a sponsored post or paid, so you should save as much as you can.  That still doesn’t tell you where I have been.  Trust me if it would have been a staycation, or any type of vacation, I would have been thrilled to anxious to tell everyone.   But no, no vacation that was wonderful, no visting family for the hell of it.  This time off was to help improve my blog and make it better.

I started last week out with the idea that this was going to help my blog, and no one needs to know the better.  Well, her we are a week later, and ever though I thought it was going to be an easy week, I decided that I had no idea what I am talking about and I have no idea what the heck I was doing.  The jist of it is, I was switching hosting companies for one price to a lesser price.  That was it.  Nothing to fancy, nothing too new just a lower price on the hosting company.

Well, to start things off, the company that was supposed to start the transfer two weeks ago, hadn’t touched my files until March 1, 2017.  I spent a half hour on the phone with tech support this day. I got the company to finally start the file transfer but then noticed that in my website’s name, they added an extra I to love so it was spelled Pain, Love, Hope. So, the transfer that was started on March 1st need to be corrected which took me over 2 hours on the phone with tech support the next day, March 2nd.  By the time, March 3rd came around, I was not going on any further and I was going to stop writing for Pain, Love, Hope.  I was ready to throw in the towel. But something inside of me said I need to keep writing and new ideas came flooding in.  Not only ideas come rolling in, other ways to improve my website popped up in my head.  I once again became excited about the blog again.

Yesterday, the domain was finally transferred.  Now today I am ready to transfer the files and get going on my blog again.  Soon, like in the next few weeks, you will start to see a change to the blog.  There will be a new ‘resource library” and other new items that will make Pain, Love, Hope great.

I’m hoping you will continue to keep coming by and sign up to be a part of the Chronic Pain Cronies, here at Pain, Love, Hope.  Once you sign up to be a part of the team, you will get full access to the resource library, with new printable being added weekly.

Pain, Love, Hope will become more of a special place, than just of a blog.  Guest will be picked to tell their story of success or of downfall.  Pain, Love, Hope will be a place to come to ask questions to a community of people just like yourself, who can answer your question or give what they did to overcome or deal with a similar situation that you are in.

All this new product and information will begin very soon.  So, keep coming back do you don’t miss anything. Make sure that you are signed up for the email to let you know that there is something new at Pain, Love, Hope.

I hope you all join me in this new adventure and I look forward to talking with each and every one of you!  Have a great day!

 

0

 

Living with a LEO. Life in the Blue Family.

My husband, Eric in uniform and ready for work.

LEO stands for Law Enforcement Officer.  Everyone is entitled to their own opinion but anything that is hatred toward LEO or law enforcement, in general, will not be tolerated.  Please comment wisely.

The phone rang and I stumbled to try to wake myself up and answer the ringing.  I noticed that the caller ID was my husband, Eric, who was working on this cold, snowy day.  I thought to myself that he was calling to let me know he was probably going to be late with the roads being icy and snow packed. I answered with a very groggy “hello”.  The voice on the other line said: “did I wake you, baby”.  I answered, “yeah, it’s a great day for a nap”.  The next words that were spoken had to be repeated over.  I thought I hear him say he was ok but I needed him to repeat that.  Eric said again “I don’t want you to worry, and I am ok. I’m at the hospital after being hit by a car on the highway”.

 This time I totally understood what he had spoken and I jumped out of bed, my first instinct was to be mad and yell at him.  How dare he get hurt and I couldn’t be there to see and know he was ok. I was mad that he was hurt but more importantly, I was scared because he was hurt.  After calming down, I finally understood what he was saying. He was at the hospital being checked out, but he knew he was ok.

Eric was standing on the side of the highway, working a two car accident.  He looked up from writing a ticket to see a car coming over a hill, going way to fast and out of control.  Eric’s first response was to move the gentleman out of harm’s way and put himself in it.  The car coming down I-25 rammed into the car he was standing in front of, and pushed him onto the hood, with his legs still planted on the ground, firmly. Eric’s knee took the brunt of the impact and the paramedics thought for sure that knee was going to be messed up.  The paramedics were corrected and a week later, Eric had to have knee surgery. He has healed the best he could from that, but it was a large impact hitting into his knee.  Now he has some bad days where his knee can tell the change in the weather.  Not something you want your knee to be able to predict.

That was not the only phone call from Eric saying “I’m ok but I am at the hospital from being injured”.  Most recently, Eric was in a scuffle with a man high on drugs and Eric tore the ligament off of his thumb and needed to have that reattached, on my birthday. Luckily, those have been the only two calls I have received about Eric.  But I will tell you when he is at work and I see that it is him calling me, my stomach does a flip-flop till I know that he is ok. 14 years and I still have the same reaction.                                                                                      

Living the life of an LEO’s wife hasn’t been easy, especially the last few years.  I used to worry about him getting hurt because he was doing his job, now I have to worry that someone will try to kill him because of what he does for a living.

I am very proud of Eric for what he does.  He deals with a lot of bad things and sees a lot of bad things but he keeps himself put together and handles everything with dignity and respect.  I can’t say that if I saw what he does on a day-to-day basis, I probably wouldn’t be as composed as he is all the time.

It has gotten worse for police officers on the road now compared to what it was 5 – 10 years ago.  There is little to no respect for officers in parts of the county but every day, they come into work and put your life before theirs.  How many of us can say we could do that?  How many of us could swear to take a bullet for a complete stranger?

I see the lack of respect that is put on LEO now and I see what that does to a man.  It takes a toll on him and everyone else wearing the badge.  Many of them question their choice of making a living and we have even lost some good men and women because of the lack of respect for the men and women in blue.

Being an LEO’s wife can be difficult most days. I have learned over the years to trust Eric as a cop and I know that he will do everything in his power to come home. The hours suck, the working on holidays suck, and the missed birthdays and other special occasions suck.  But I will take that any day as long as he comes home safe and sound to me.

1

Poll time!

Do you think addicts are born that way or become that way later in life?

  • I believe that people are born with the addiction gene (35%, 6 Votes)
  • I dont know. Im torn between the two (35%, 6 Votes)
  • I believe that someone has something to trigger their addiction. (29%, 5 Votes)

Total Voters: 17

Loading ... Loading ...

The story I never wanted to tell but had to. Hi my name is Lisa and Im a………. Part III

This is the third part of my series and the hardest to write.  Any comments are welcome but please remember that this is my life.

Living life as an addict is not an easy way to live life.  I never thought that I would be an addict but that’s the way I was meant to be. Many a day, I am so angry that I live my life in chronic pain and can’t take pain medications now.  I blame myself for becoming an addict but in reality, it’s not my fault.  I do believe that we are born a certain way and that is the way we become.  But there are things that we can do to not always be an addict, they aren’t easy to do.

Being an addict is a rollercoaster life.  What I mean by that is, you go up and down with emotions on a daily basis.  Or at least I did. I remember feeling so secure in my life when I was taking pain medications.  The pills would give me confidence and courage to be the person I wanted to be.  I could do anything from asking a guy out on a date to feel like Superwomen and nothing could bring me down.  I would feel so high as a kite that nothing would hurt.  I could walk for miles, clean the house 2 times a day, run errands, and be, what I thought, was the best mom out there. Little did I know, most people liked me sober and didn’t care if I could get all those things done in a day. But I had it set in my mind that I needed to be the best at everything.  I had to be the best wife, mother, daughter, and person to everyone.

Once I had that set in my head of being the best, I would start to feel like the medicine would wear off quickly and that is when I started to take more than the doctor prescribed.  If the prescription said to take 1-2 tablets every 4-6 hours, I would take 3 tablets every 3 hours.  And as my body got used to that dosage, I would up it to 4 tablets every 2 1/2 to 3 hours.  The most I took at one time was 6 tablets at one time.  I am very lucky to be alive today. I would keep messing with the dosages. no matter what the doctor prescribed.  I was even prescribed pain patches that were Fentanyl, the hospital grade pain medication, and when 1 patch wasn’t giving me the high, I would put on another patch.  Sure at first I would feel a little shaky but that would go away and eventually, I would need more to get high I wanted.

Soon it just became all about the high.  I knew that I was in pain, severe pain at times, but I didn’t care about that.  All I could think about was being high.  I did many things that I am ashamed of doing and I didn’t care who I hurt along the way, just as long as I was high. When the doctor approached me about the medication, Suboxone, I felt like I had to do it.  I couldn’t keep going the way I was or I would end up dead. Or even worse, I could hurt or kill someone when I was high.  I really began to look at my life and hate who I became.

The days that I had pain medications or patches were my happy days.  I would bask in the rays of being high and try not to think about what was yet to come.  Then there were the days that I would run out medicine and start to withdrawal.  At first, I would be telling myself that this was a good thing and I needed to become sober.  Even though deep down inside I was thinking of where I could get my hands on any kind of pain medications that were out there.  I would go to friends and families houses and steal anything that I could find so that I wouldn’t go through the withdrawals.  I would have the conversation with myself that I promised this would be the last time.  I promised that if I made it through this withdrawal then I would stop all pain meds.   And I would be honest with my husband and tell all my doctors.

But this just became a cycle.  I would get more pain medications, I would abuse them, and then I would run out and withdrawal.  This went on for years.  Many painful years.  There would be times in these cycles that I would actually be sober. And go for months without pain medications but then something would happen and I would be in a great amount of pain, knocking on the door of abusing pain medication. begging a doctor for more meds.  Most doctors didn’t have a problem with throwing medications at me.  After all, I was a cop’s wife. I wouldn’t be abusing pain medications.  Little did the doctors know…….

I finally hit my rock bottom when I had gone through the cycle and was at the point of no medications.  At this time in my life, I was working and I couldn’t get myself out of bed to go to the place called work.  I called in sick one day, two days, and by the third day, I couldn’t get out of bed to even call work and tell them I wouldn’t be in.  I had been telling work that I had this horrible flu which at first they believed me.  Then came day four and day five and they told me that if I didn’t make it in by that Monday, I was done.  Oh, and I needed a doctor’s note excusing me from the past week.  By Monday of the next week, I didn’t have the energy, strength or will to make it into work. Needless to say, when I did finally tell work what was going on because the truth is always the right thing to do, I was fired.

This wasn’t the only part of my rock bottom.  My husband had had enough of going through these cycles with me.  I couldn’t even look at myself in the mirror, and the kids had once again witnessed another round of me withdrawing.  Enough was enough.  This time was the time that I would become sober and stay sober, no matter how hard it would be.  And believe me, it was so hard. It still is hard especially when there are pain medications in our house. It’s very easy to go back to my old ways.  But I have remained strong, that is until after this last surgery.  Having a number of drugs that the doctor gave me, all I wanted to do was to get that high again.  I had many conversations with myself, telling me that it wasn’t worth it.  Or would be telling myself to just go ahead, after all, I deserved to be high again because I just had major back surgery.

Unfortunately, I did talk myself into taking a few extra pills here and there.  And the amount of guilt I felt toward not only my family but especially towards myself. And the funny thing was, I didn’t even enjoy the high this time.  It wasn’t something that was good or a part of my life anymore.  All it made me feel was disgust, anger, and disappointment.  Now I know that after all these years of being on Suboxone and being sober were thrown away, I just wanted to hate myself.  But instead, I am pulling myself back together and starting over again.  After all, this is my life and I am worth being sober.  I am worth being the best I can be, and I am worth loved for how I am not and not hated for the mistakes that I made.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to changes the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

The final part of this series will be posted next Sunday, February 25, 2017.  Please watch out for that post.

 

0
%d bloggers like this: